This post has been brewing in my mind for awhile now and in light of recent events and because I feel led to share a few things so here we go.. This is an honest and raw look at how God is working in my life..
I have had and still have on some days a bad habit of saying things I should not, complaining and not being thankful.. I am a human saved by Him.. I have prayed about my cussing, being thankful in everything and not complaining.. I will tell you that I know I have changed since I began praying about this a couple years ago. I can also tell you I am no where near perfect in any of these areas..
I began praying about being thankful because in 1 Thessalonians 3:18 we are told to Be thankful in all circumstances because that is what God wants from us and our union with Christ Jesus.. Before I started praying about being thankful and reading and studying more about being thankful I would let things get me down, I would get upset and I complained about how bad things were. I have been through some pretty rough seasons in my life and when I started realizing that God had a plan and that I was supposed to be thankful in all things.. Ephesians 5:20 Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, along with many verses in Psalm like Psalm 118:1-18, Philippians 4:6 and many other verses talk about being thankful in every circumstance and for everything..
I began to look for the good in every situation and to be thankful even when my heart was breaking because of a failed relationship, friendship that was shaken, illness, life changes, loosing loved ones, moving and in every other situation.. Now in all honesty sometimes at first I was inclined to throw a fit, yell, scream, be mad and go on because as humans that is sometimes.. (ok who am I trying to kid its almost always..) the easiest way.. God really worked on my heart and I began to immediately look for the good, the reason and what God was trying to teach me or say to me. Sometimes I drove myself crazy but I learned it is ok to say I know there is a lesson here God something you want me or someone to learn and I know you will show me or us that in Your time.. Being thankful has become almost like second nature and I am so blessed and thankful that God has given me a heart full of thanksgiving and even when dealing with situations where I know God is telling me something and others put a stop to it I know His will is going to prevail in the end and that is all that matters..
I think that Praising Jesus is such an important part of my life. It helps me with my relationship with Him and makes life so much better. I say "Praise Jesus" a lot and there are a few reasons behind me saying it as often as I do.. 1. Because Praising Him is what I am called to do. 2. It keeps me from saying things I should not and helps me to not loose focus, that I am a child of the King. 3 He is always in control and saying His name and praising His is so much better than other things that could be said and done. Do I regret saying Praise Jesus? No I do not because He is my Father, my Savior, My King, My number ONE and I am so thankful He is with me every step.
I praise Him when I am happy, sad, scared, mad, sleepy, wide awake, when I do not know what else to say or do because I know He will take care of me.. Are you thankful in everything? Do you Praise Jesus in Everything? Life is so much better when you do.. Do I always understand? No Is life always sunshine and rainbows? No But I trust HIM and He will not leave me or forsake me...
God Bless and Praise Jesus.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
What do you think about....
This one is also one I am moving over from the other blog.. Very thought provoking.
A friend of mine and I were talking today and if she reads this she will know exactly who she is, but I have to say that in all honesty she is one of the very very very very few people that I have ever met that is like me in the way that we go above and beyond to help someone or someone's out. She is always doing nice things for not just my kids and I, but so many people. I sometimes wonder how she keeps going because she gives so much. Now her dear husband is not of the same mindset. She and I are alike because I will help people out go above and beyond and the thing is neither she nor I are good at receiving when someone wants to do something for us. I know for me and I am guessing for her as well (if I am wrong she will tell me.. LOL) that we do things for people we see in need or because they are special to us or because well just because and we do these things without expecting anything in return.
She babysat for a friend the other day so she did not have to miss work. She did dishes for her, took care of the kids and whatever else she could do to help this friend out. Now I am sure she had 3million other things she could have been doing, but yet she chose to go and help a friend in need. I know that is what Jesus would have wanted her to do. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen her do these kinds of things for people, heck last year she let my kids and I show up on her doorstep late late one night cause we had no place to go. She has been a blessing to me more than she will ever know I am sure. It blesses my heart to know that she is like she is because I have been told that I have to big of a heart.. Really is that possible? I know that people say that because they think that since I/she help people out when we could use that $20 bucks for something for our family, or we had 3million things to do, but we choose to help out a friend by babysitting to help them out, taking care of a sickie, making a meal or ordering a pizza for someone we do it because we want to and we have been know to do things for people who tend to take advantage or be unappreciative which I know is why some people say I have too big of a heart.
Think about this.. Have you ever felt like you were supposed to help someone, do something nice for them or something?? If you did it because you knew it was the right thing and that God would want you to do it without expecting anything in return, I am willing to bet that you have been blessed beyond in some form or another and when we don't do it we get a knot in our stomach's and think about it and say darn I should have done...... whatever it is.. I have always heard you never know when you are entertaining angels and also that You may be the only Jesus some ever see.. God is so loving and amazing and He wants us to bless others like He blesses us.... Think about that the next time you see someone in need, feel that tug at your heart follow His calling and then enjoy the blessings...
Till Next Time..... God Bless
A friend of mine and I were talking today and if she reads this she will know exactly who she is, but I have to say that in all honesty she is one of the very very very very few people that I have ever met that is like me in the way that we go above and beyond to help someone or someone's out. She is always doing nice things for not just my kids and I, but so many people. I sometimes wonder how she keeps going because she gives so much. Now her dear husband is not of the same mindset. She and I are alike because I will help people out go above and beyond and the thing is neither she nor I are good at receiving when someone wants to do something for us. I know for me and I am guessing for her as well (if I am wrong she will tell me.. LOL) that we do things for people we see in need or because they are special to us or because well just because and we do these things without expecting anything in return.
She babysat for a friend the other day so she did not have to miss work. She did dishes for her, took care of the kids and whatever else she could do to help this friend out. Now I am sure she had 3million other things she could have been doing, but yet she chose to go and help a friend in need. I know that is what Jesus would have wanted her to do. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen her do these kinds of things for people, heck last year she let my kids and I show up on her doorstep late late one night cause we had no place to go. She has been a blessing to me more than she will ever know I am sure. It blesses my heart to know that she is like she is because I have been told that I have to big of a heart.. Really is that possible? I know that people say that because they think that since I/she help people out when we could use that $20 bucks for something for our family, or we had 3million things to do, but we choose to help out a friend by babysitting to help them out, taking care of a sickie, making a meal or ordering a pizza for someone we do it because we want to and we have been know to do things for people who tend to take advantage or be unappreciative which I know is why some people say I have too big of a heart.
Think about this.. Have you ever felt like you were supposed to help someone, do something nice for them or something?? If you did it because you knew it was the right thing and that God would want you to do it without expecting anything in return, I am willing to bet that you have been blessed beyond in some form or another and when we don't do it we get a knot in our stomach's and think about it and say darn I should have done...... whatever it is.. I have always heard you never know when you are entertaining angels and also that You may be the only Jesus some ever see.. God is so loving and amazing and He wants us to bless others like He blesses us.... Think about that the next time you see someone in need, feel that tug at your heart follow His calling and then enjoy the blessings...
Till Next Time..... God Bless
Spring forward or fall back?? On oldie but a goodie..
Good Monday afternoon. I hope that you are all adjusting to the new time change. I myself am still trying too.. I do believe that it is ahead right now in the race, but I am sure I will pull ahead and win just in time to fall back this fall.. LOL
Are you more of a fall back or spring forward kinda person? I do enjoy it being light longer in the spring and summer, but I really am not a springy kinda girl.. I would rather fallback.. As I sit here writing this and thinking about springing forward and falling back I think about our relationship with friends, family, but most importantly with our Heavenly Father.
You see I know as humans I think with God we tend to be fall backer kinda people. We spring forward when we need something from Him and then fall back into our old selfish human ways until we need something again. I know that we do this with other friends and family, but wonder why it is we do this to the ONE PERSON who is ALWAYS there for us, who wants the best for us and WHOSE Son gave HIS life for US. I would think we would want to be more respectful, loving and following of Him. He has given and will give us more than anyone else ever will.
Think about Jesus sacrifice the next time the devil or someone gives you the idea or thought to do something not pleasing to Christ and you are about to fall back into your old worldly ways and spring forward to the foot of the cross and lay it all down for Him. The only falling back you need to do is to fall back into the arms of the most loving, kind, gracious and merciful Father you will ever know..
As for the time changes well we cannot change them so we might as well get used to them..
Till Next Time.... God Bless
Are you more of a fall back or spring forward kinda person? I do enjoy it being light longer in the spring and summer, but I really am not a springy kinda girl.. I would rather fallback.. As I sit here writing this and thinking about springing forward and falling back I think about our relationship with friends, family, but most importantly with our Heavenly Father.
You see I know as humans I think with God we tend to be fall backer kinda people. We spring forward when we need something from Him and then fall back into our old selfish human ways until we need something again. I know that we do this with other friends and family, but wonder why it is we do this to the ONE PERSON who is ALWAYS there for us, who wants the best for us and WHOSE Son gave HIS life for US. I would think we would want to be more respectful, loving and following of Him. He has given and will give us more than anyone else ever will.
Think about Jesus sacrifice the next time the devil or someone gives you the idea or thought to do something not pleasing to Christ and you are about to fall back into your old worldly ways and spring forward to the foot of the cross and lay it all down for Him. The only falling back you need to do is to fall back into the arms of the most loving, kind, gracious and merciful Father you will ever know..
As for the time changes well we cannot change them so we might as well get used to them..
Till Next Time.... God Bless
Do I really have to cook?
I know that sometimes as a mother I often wonder if I really have to cook supper.. LOL I also often wonder where my kids put all the food. They come home from school starved to death and eat and eat and eat go outside play for a little while and are wanting supper.. Really?? I am like there is no way you are hungry and they are like yes mom we are starving.. Feed them a big supper and before bedtime they are like wanting to snack again, this irritates me especially when we have a late supper.. I am like where do you put all the food at, there is no way you can be hungry.. Of course we all know they are STARVING.. They eat like they have not eaten all day..
Now let me be honest here my kids are all big enough to make themselves a bowl of cereal or toast for breakfast and most of them can make ramen noodles, or the little chef boy r d cups or sandwich's. So often times in Saturdays because they all get up at different times and are doing different things they will grab breakfast on their own and depending on the schedule they fend for themselves for lunch.. (please tell me this makes me a mom and not a bad person) Then I will fix a big nice supper and after we have eaten supper and we are getting ready for bed one of my kids always says to me either right as I am cooking supper or afterward. Mom you did not make lunch or my personal favorite as they are going to bed, but mom you did not cook lunch. They think if I did not cook it or make it for them that it does not count as a meal.. LOL I am like you have been eating all day have you starved... Well no, but.... But what?????
I try to make sure that I have made homemade cookies, cupcakes or something for them to have after school everyday and believe me when I say they are hungry after school. They will eat yogurt, pudding, jello, toast and then eat chips, cookies, fruit and a lot of it. How in the world can these kids put away that much food..
I love to cook, but golly jeepers where in the world do they put it all.. I love cooking and baking and my kids are spoiled and do not like it if I cheat and do not make something from scratch, now they will come to your house and eat it, but if mom makes a cheat meal you better watch out..
Here is probably the number one reason I ask myself if I really have to cook.. The reason is that although I love to cook and love hearing people talk about how good of a cook I am I sometimes think it is just like laundry or cleaning.. You cook a good big meal, they eat it and you are left with the dirty dishes.. LOL
I know that sometimes I think cooking is a thankless job, but in reality I am blessed to be able to cook for my kids, our friends and others. I am blessed to know how to cook and how to feed my kids well and that we do not have to just eat sandwich's, rice, or beans. That we live in a place where we have a variety of foods to cook, eat and produce. So even when I am not wanting to cook I praise the Lord for allowing me to be in a place where I am able to cook a good meal with a variety of foods for my kids.. I am blessed indeed so yes the answer is I really do have to cook.. :)
Till Next Time... God Bless
Now let me be honest here my kids are all big enough to make themselves a bowl of cereal or toast for breakfast and most of them can make ramen noodles, or the little chef boy r d cups or sandwich's. So often times in Saturdays because they all get up at different times and are doing different things they will grab breakfast on their own and depending on the schedule they fend for themselves for lunch.. (please tell me this makes me a mom and not a bad person) Then I will fix a big nice supper and after we have eaten supper and we are getting ready for bed one of my kids always says to me either right as I am cooking supper or afterward. Mom you did not make lunch or my personal favorite as they are going to bed, but mom you did not cook lunch. They think if I did not cook it or make it for them that it does not count as a meal.. LOL I am like you have been eating all day have you starved... Well no, but.... But what?????
I try to make sure that I have made homemade cookies, cupcakes or something for them to have after school everyday and believe me when I say they are hungry after school. They will eat yogurt, pudding, jello, toast and then eat chips, cookies, fruit and a lot of it. How in the world can these kids put away that much food..
I love to cook, but golly jeepers where in the world do they put it all.. I love cooking and baking and my kids are spoiled and do not like it if I cheat and do not make something from scratch, now they will come to your house and eat it, but if mom makes a cheat meal you better watch out..
Here is probably the number one reason I ask myself if I really have to cook.. The reason is that although I love to cook and love hearing people talk about how good of a cook I am I sometimes think it is just like laundry or cleaning.. You cook a good big meal, they eat it and you are left with the dirty dishes.. LOL
I know that sometimes I think cooking is a thankless job, but in reality I am blessed to be able to cook for my kids, our friends and others. I am blessed to know how to cook and how to feed my kids well and that we do not have to just eat sandwich's, rice, or beans. That we live in a place where we have a variety of foods to cook, eat and produce. So even when I am not wanting to cook I praise the Lord for allowing me to be in a place where I am able to cook a good meal with a variety of foods for my kids.. I am blessed indeed so yes the answer is I really do have to cook.. :)
Till Next Time... God Bless
A cool thought...
I am combing my blogs and this is something I wrote awhile back but it is such a great cool thought..
The kids and I have been walking down to the river the past few days and taking pictures. We have been writing things in the sand and just having fun.. Last night while we were there I started looking around, picking up the sand letting it sift through my fingertips and thinking. How cool is it that what we had written in the sand the day before was gone yesterday only a few partial footprints were left. How cool is it that it did not rain, the river was not up, just the wind wiped out all that we had written in the sand like we had not been there before. The sand becomes a blank slate again and I am sure when we go back down today we will yet again have a clean slate to draw on. The wind wiping out sand slate clean is like what Jesus did for us when He died on the cross. When we come to Him, He washes us clean again like the wind does with the sand.
When we get caught up in the worldly things and are covered in sin Jesus blood washes us clean again.. Just like the wind does with our words in the sand.. God is so good to make us a clean and open slate so to speak again.. I love being out in God's Beautiful World and learning a lesson about His love for us and how He washes us white again...
Till Next Time..... God Bless
The kids and I have been walking down to the river the past few days and taking pictures. We have been writing things in the sand and just having fun.. Last night while we were there I started looking around, picking up the sand letting it sift through my fingertips and thinking. How cool is it that what we had written in the sand the day before was gone yesterday only a few partial footprints were left. How cool is it that it did not rain, the river was not up, just the wind wiped out all that we had written in the sand like we had not been there before. The sand becomes a blank slate again and I am sure when we go back down today we will yet again have a clean slate to draw on. The wind wiping out sand slate clean is like what Jesus did for us when He died on the cross. When we come to Him, He washes us clean again like the wind does with the sand.
When we get caught up in the worldly things and are covered in sin Jesus blood washes us clean again.. Just like the wind does with our words in the sand.. God is so good to make us a clean and open slate so to speak again.. I love being out in God's Beautiful World and learning a lesson about His love for us and how He washes us white again...
Till Next Time..... God Bless
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Taking a stroll down memory road....Lessons Learned
Tonight I drove up a highway I haven't driven up in years, to a little town that was once home. A town that is for the most part ran down, with few people still living there, that has seen so much destruction in the last few years and has been for many years dubbed one of the biggest drug towns around. But you see tonight as I drove up the highway towards that little town I felt like I was going home..
You see two of my kids were born while I lived there and another was just a baby when we moved there. It was a fun little town where everyone knew your name, watched out for your kids and you felt safe.. At least when we first moved there.. We lived right by the school playground and my kids loved to play there, they had friends all over town and it was really just a quiet little town.. We used to joke as long as you lived and stayed north of pine street you were ok.. My kids went to school there most of their elementary years and they got almost one on one teaching because the school is so small.. We lived there several years then the kids and I moved to another place for a little bit, but we returned to what felt like home to us.. It might not have been much or meant much to many people but it was home to us.
Tonight as I was driving up there and as I pulled into town and I drove around just a little bit I saw that its a bit more ran down than it used to be, there are now bigger "creeks" in the roads, more houses have either burnt or be destroyed, while others sit empty, but a few things still remained the same. The feeling of familiar, of home, of much simpler days, when kids could run around, you could always count on having a house full of kids waiting to devour the cookies as they came out of the oven, taking a walk down to the river and stopping at the city park to swing and talk to others doing the same, the annual fall festival and you could almost always count on a heated game of manhunt spanning a few blocks especially during the summer. It was a place where I made some changes in my life, some were for the good while others maybe not so good. It was a place where I found myself and a place to call home. There were some not great things that happened there but I believe that is part of life.. I found what i felt was the love of a lifetime that lasted only a season, but in reality I did find the love of a lifetime.. I found my way back to Jesus while I was there.. To be honest when I lived there I really didn't have problems with people wanting to judge me, throw me under the bus it was a town of friends who wanted to help one another. I believe God placed me in that town for many reasons. Sometimes one needs to find their "home" the place He wants them to be, to do what He needs them to do and sometimes He moves them from that home and "family" and friends to another place. We don't always understand these moves or why He chooses to send up to certain places or place certain people in our lives. He has a plan and often when we get comfortable He moves us to another place another "home" of sorts to continue His will and to help us to step out of our comfort zones..
This drive down memory road tonight has helped me to make sense of somethings that have been going on in my life. First of all God knows that I am not a big fan of change.. I deal with it and I can make it but I sometimes dig in my fingernails and clench my teeth and hold on to anything I can to keep me in the familiar things.. A few weeks ago God was speaking to me about missions and having a mission minded life.. I was so eager to talk to a friend of mine about this, but she was not where she could be reached at the time.. So I was waiting for the perfect time and before I found that time something happened.. Something that crushed me to the core. Bottom line I was not ever able to share what was going on in my life with my friend, the one friend I just knew would understand and be happy about what was going on.. This last year has been full of changes for me, some I handled like a boss while others not so much.. I love to help others, to be the kind of friend I hope to have and sometimes I spread myself to thin, but I had been praying and seeking God. My mission the last few years has been to help with Vacation Bible School and to help at the first place I asked Jesus into my heart all those years ago Church camp, both of which I am not helping with this summer. Now before you gasp and wonder whats up let me just say that I am not entirely sure what God is up too but I know that He has a plan and whatever it is I am ready. Will I miss helping in these spots this year? Yes but as awesome as I know camp is and as much as I love love love being there the past few years I believe the devil has really been attacking and that maybe it is time to take a break from that, regroup and see what God has in store for me. I will tell you this was a heartbreaking thing for me and it wasn't until tonight driving the highway to my old home town to the town I know call home that it dawned on me that we have to bloom where planted.
Sometimes when we move from our "homes" to a new one we have to do something different, we have to be open to change all the while hanging onto our faith in Jesus Christ and knowing He is in control and to let Him place us where He wants us and trust Him.. After all He is the only one who loves us more than we could ever be loved by another human, He is the only one who knows whats best for us, the people we should be friends with, the places we should go, the things we should do and He will never leave us or fore sake us, He will never hurt us, He is always with us and that as long as we trust Him everything will turn out..
So maybe it is time to step out of my comfort zone, to reach out for His hand and continue on this journey that He has me on.. Memories are good, familiar is good, but stepping out into the great unknown in faith is one heck of a ride.. Thank You Jesus for this trip down memory road..
Good Night and God Bless
You see two of my kids were born while I lived there and another was just a baby when we moved there. It was a fun little town where everyone knew your name, watched out for your kids and you felt safe.. At least when we first moved there.. We lived right by the school playground and my kids loved to play there, they had friends all over town and it was really just a quiet little town.. We used to joke as long as you lived and stayed north of pine street you were ok.. My kids went to school there most of their elementary years and they got almost one on one teaching because the school is so small.. We lived there several years then the kids and I moved to another place for a little bit, but we returned to what felt like home to us.. It might not have been much or meant much to many people but it was home to us.
Tonight as I was driving up there and as I pulled into town and I drove around just a little bit I saw that its a bit more ran down than it used to be, there are now bigger "creeks" in the roads, more houses have either burnt or be destroyed, while others sit empty, but a few things still remained the same. The feeling of familiar, of home, of much simpler days, when kids could run around, you could always count on having a house full of kids waiting to devour the cookies as they came out of the oven, taking a walk down to the river and stopping at the city park to swing and talk to others doing the same, the annual fall festival and you could almost always count on a heated game of manhunt spanning a few blocks especially during the summer. It was a place where I made some changes in my life, some were for the good while others maybe not so good. It was a place where I found myself and a place to call home. There were some not great things that happened there but I believe that is part of life.. I found what i felt was the love of a lifetime that lasted only a season, but in reality I did find the love of a lifetime.. I found my way back to Jesus while I was there.. To be honest when I lived there I really didn't have problems with people wanting to judge me, throw me under the bus it was a town of friends who wanted to help one another. I believe God placed me in that town for many reasons. Sometimes one needs to find their "home" the place He wants them to be, to do what He needs them to do and sometimes He moves them from that home and "family" and friends to another place. We don't always understand these moves or why He chooses to send up to certain places or place certain people in our lives. He has a plan and often when we get comfortable He moves us to another place another "home" of sorts to continue His will and to help us to step out of our comfort zones..
This drive down memory road tonight has helped me to make sense of somethings that have been going on in my life. First of all God knows that I am not a big fan of change.. I deal with it and I can make it but I sometimes dig in my fingernails and clench my teeth and hold on to anything I can to keep me in the familiar things.. A few weeks ago God was speaking to me about missions and having a mission minded life.. I was so eager to talk to a friend of mine about this, but she was not where she could be reached at the time.. So I was waiting for the perfect time and before I found that time something happened.. Something that crushed me to the core. Bottom line I was not ever able to share what was going on in my life with my friend, the one friend I just knew would understand and be happy about what was going on.. This last year has been full of changes for me, some I handled like a boss while others not so much.. I love to help others, to be the kind of friend I hope to have and sometimes I spread myself to thin, but I had been praying and seeking God. My mission the last few years has been to help with Vacation Bible School and to help at the first place I asked Jesus into my heart all those years ago Church camp, both of which I am not helping with this summer. Now before you gasp and wonder whats up let me just say that I am not entirely sure what God is up too but I know that He has a plan and whatever it is I am ready. Will I miss helping in these spots this year? Yes but as awesome as I know camp is and as much as I love love love being there the past few years I believe the devil has really been attacking and that maybe it is time to take a break from that, regroup and see what God has in store for me. I will tell you this was a heartbreaking thing for me and it wasn't until tonight driving the highway to my old home town to the town I know call home that it dawned on me that we have to bloom where planted.
Sometimes when we move from our "homes" to a new one we have to do something different, we have to be open to change all the while hanging onto our faith in Jesus Christ and knowing He is in control and to let Him place us where He wants us and trust Him.. After all He is the only one who loves us more than we could ever be loved by another human, He is the only one who knows whats best for us, the people we should be friends with, the places we should go, the things we should do and He will never leave us or fore sake us, He will never hurt us, He is always with us and that as long as we trust Him everything will turn out..
So maybe it is time to step out of my comfort zone, to reach out for His hand and continue on this journey that He has me on.. Memories are good, familiar is good, but stepping out into the great unknown in faith is one heck of a ride.. Thank You Jesus for this trip down memory road..
Good Night and God Bless
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Being a mom..
This is a late Mother's Day post..
Being a mom is not always the the easiest job to do, however no matter what happens I feel like it is the most rewarding job. Sure you may not make a million dollars, always have a nice clean house and your car may always be on the go here, there and everywhere chasing the kids to their events.. It starts early.. Kids start preschool at 3 now days and then soon after they start t ball and then kindergarten and next thing you know they are graduating, heading to college and starting careers and families of their own.
I know it seems like only yesterday my oldest son was in my tummy and I was feeling him kick.. I can't believe he will be 23 in a few months.. It doesn't seem possible that my oldest daughter is carrying my first grandchild and will be finishing her senior year in college next year, my youngest daughter just graduated from high school, my middle boy will be a junior in high school next year and my youngest graduated from the 8th grade.. Wow..
I stand in awe of how life goes.. I mean how incredible is it that we are able to carry an egg that grows into a fetus, we feel them moving and growing inside of us, we give birth and watch them grow from an infant into an adult.. I am in awe of how that all works and think it is so cool.. I am so beyond blessed that God blesses me with 5 beautiful kids that He knew before they were formed in my womb. How cool.. He knew them before, then, now and in the future.. I have known them since they were conceived and have felt them from the inward parts of me. Being a mom is so awesome..
Being a mom is sometimes sad, hard, scary and honestly I believe that as a mom you will feel every emotion known to man at some point in time or another.. I will tell you one of the scariest moments was getting the call that my son had been attacked by a dog, picking him up to take him to the er, finding out what kinda dog it was and pulling his jeans off to reveal the damage it was horrible..
Some moms are not as fortunate as I have been. Some mothers have lost their babies before they were due, others have lost them at birth, shortly after birth, as young children or teens, some moms live with sick children everyday... Some moms have become moms by adopting a child that was without a mom. These moms are no less moms because they didn't give birth to their children.. A mother is a mother no matter what.. For those who are mothers living without their children that I pray for you..
Being a mom is a special gift from God and I treasure everyday as a mother.. If you are a mom thank the good Lord for giving you that job in life, thank Him for the little things and don't get so caught up in life you miss those special little and big things with your kids..
I am a proud momma..
Being a mom is not always the the easiest job to do, however no matter what happens I feel like it is the most rewarding job. Sure you may not make a million dollars, always have a nice clean house and your car may always be on the go here, there and everywhere chasing the kids to their events.. It starts early.. Kids start preschool at 3 now days and then soon after they start t ball and then kindergarten and next thing you know they are graduating, heading to college and starting careers and families of their own.
I know it seems like only yesterday my oldest son was in my tummy and I was feeling him kick.. I can't believe he will be 23 in a few months.. It doesn't seem possible that my oldest daughter is carrying my first grandchild and will be finishing her senior year in college next year, my youngest daughter just graduated from high school, my middle boy will be a junior in high school next year and my youngest graduated from the 8th grade.. Wow..
I stand in awe of how life goes.. I mean how incredible is it that we are able to carry an egg that grows into a fetus, we feel them moving and growing inside of us, we give birth and watch them grow from an infant into an adult.. I am in awe of how that all works and think it is so cool.. I am so beyond blessed that God blesses me with 5 beautiful kids that He knew before they were formed in my womb. How cool.. He knew them before, then, now and in the future.. I have known them since they were conceived and have felt them from the inward parts of me. Being a mom is so awesome..
Being a mom is sometimes sad, hard, scary and honestly I believe that as a mom you will feel every emotion known to man at some point in time or another.. I will tell you one of the scariest moments was getting the call that my son had been attacked by a dog, picking him up to take him to the er, finding out what kinda dog it was and pulling his jeans off to reveal the damage it was horrible..
Some moms are not as fortunate as I have been. Some mothers have lost their babies before they were due, others have lost them at birth, shortly after birth, as young children or teens, some moms live with sick children everyday... Some moms have become moms by adopting a child that was without a mom. These moms are no less moms because they didn't give birth to their children.. A mother is a mother no matter what.. For those who are mothers living without their children that I pray for you..
Being a mom is a special gift from God and I treasure everyday as a mother.. If you are a mom thank the good Lord for giving you that job in life, thank Him for the little things and don't get so caught up in life you miss those special little and big things with your kids..
I am a proud momma..
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
The struggle
The struggle is real.. Yes I try to just leave it in God's hands and yes I trust Him and know His timing and will are perfect, but alas I am human..
Somedays or nights the loneliness is overwhelming and it brings with it lies from satan about not being good enough, being fat, ugly, about being punished and feelings of hopelessness. Most days I say a prayer and try to ignore those feelings, however there are those days when I want to yell and scream what about me?? God what about me, am I destined to be alone forever? Do I not deserve to be loved by a man here on earth? Am I really that bad? Especially when I see others finding what seems to be their "one" after a much shorter time being alone than I have been..
Sometimes I cry out wondering if I haven't struggled enough, have I been that bad of a person and often feel defeated and like there is no-one and I should give up completely because I messed up and couldn't keep my first or second marriage together. I am a failure and am so undeserving.
Do you know the struggle of holding your head up high and pretending everything is ok when all you really want to do is crawl in a hole and cry? The struggle of feeling like a failure and not being able to overcome it, not just because of the failed marriages, but because you seem to always be the failure in your families eyes?
The struggle is very real and I'm sure I am not the only one who struggles. I know others struggle with feeling alone and with being not good enough.
Somedays or nights the loneliness is overwhelming and it brings with it lies from satan about not being good enough, being fat, ugly, about being punished and feelings of hopelessness. Most days I say a prayer and try to ignore those feelings, however there are those days when I want to yell and scream what about me?? God what about me, am I destined to be alone forever? Do I not deserve to be loved by a man here on earth? Am I really that bad? Especially when I see others finding what seems to be their "one" after a much shorter time being alone than I have been..
Sometimes I cry out wondering if I haven't struggled enough, have I been that bad of a person and often feel defeated and like there is no-one and I should give up completely because I messed up and couldn't keep my first or second marriage together. I am a failure and am so undeserving.
Do you know the struggle of holding your head up high and pretending everything is ok when all you really want to do is crawl in a hole and cry? The struggle of feeling like a failure and not being able to overcome it, not just because of the failed marriages, but because you seem to always be the failure in your families eyes?
The struggle is very real and I'm sure I am not the only one who struggles. I know others struggle with feeling alone and with being not good enough.
Monday, February 29, 2016
To tip or not to tip..
As a full-time waitress I feel like I should share what life is like.. You see many waitresses I know are single moms and waitressing is how they support and take care of their children, pay the bills and live..
I will be the first to tell you I have seen maybe even had a waitress or two that I thought had the personality of a limp dish rag, were moody and we'll just not very good at their jobs.. They mess up our orders, didn't refill our drinks, charged us wrong or a plethora of other things which makes us second guess leaving a tip.. Heck we might even think forget it they don't deserve a tip..
I'll also be the first to say I have had waitresses that I wish I could leave a huge tip. They are happy, helpful, refill our drinks, talk to us and have great personalities..
Waitresses make very little an hour an rely on tips.. Just think if there weren't waitresses you would either have to cook and clean up meals everyday or eat fast food.. so the next time you go out to eat because you are in a hurry, don't feel like cooking and your kids are yelling and throwing stuff on the floor that your waitress is the reason you are able to be at that place eating and not having to cook or clean up after... Even $2 helps your waitress, but 15% of your total bill is a small price to pay to not have to cook or clean up..
Remember that your waitress has kids and she would like to be at home with them, cooking and cleaning up after their dinner, but she has to work so she is there so you can be out.. Thank her and even if she isn't the best she still deserves something..
To the one after me....
To that one after me..
I write this not because I am jealous, mad or because I want him back.. I write this because I want you to know that I know way more than I say and that I pray that he has changed and that he treats you better than he has the ones before you.. I am not here to talk bad about him or tell you that your wrong for dating him.. I just want you to know that when the going gets rough that there are others who understand where you are and what you are going through..
I know he is one of the sweetest, most caring men you have ever met and he will do just about anything to make you happy.. He can say all the right things and he can even do most all of the right things.. He is very good at making you feel like you are his world. He is good at building things, he is handy and he does work hard.. He also has a short fuse and don't think it is ok to get onto his kids or try to help him with parenting his kids because he will turn into Mr Grumpy pants asap.. Don't worry though he will get onto your kids, tell you how to parent them and what you should or shouldn't do for and with your kids and if you choose to not listen or heed his advice on parenting you will become a terrible parent and person for not listening to him because he has all the answers..
He will yell at you, belittle you, put you down and he will tell you horror stories about his exes.. It took me a longtime to really see this.. I thought for the longest time how in the world could his exes have done this or that or not wanted to treat him right.. You see I was blinded by his sugary sweet words, kindness and he was very convincing.. In fact for a very longtime I could not see that instead of building me up and helping me he was actually tearing me down and breaking me down..
I feel in love with him hard, deep and fast.. I was willing to give up almost anything to be with this man.. He grew more angry when he realized that my kids were most important thing to me and I was not going to let him treat them the way he was.. My kids were expected to follow all the rules and respect him while his kids could do whatever and didn't have to respect me. It turned into a big mess, but yet I still loved him and was willing to be there for him when he called..
Over the past year I have learned about narcissist's and how they work and what it is like to be in a relationship with one.. I learned that I believe he is one and that even though I prayed and thought that things would change I couldn't do it on my own. You see I know most of the exes and I watched him with them at different times and after my eyes were open I learned it wasn't always them.. He would do his best to make them look like the bad person when in fact that was not always the case..
Here are a few signs and things I learned after I walked away and learned that yes I did make some mistakes, but I really did give it my all and I wanted it to work so badly because I loved him with all of my heart..
1.Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. I used to think I was a failure because he would say things that would make me feel stupid and incompetent.. I feel such a sense of relief after I realized I am not a bad person and I am not crazy..
2.Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade. He does not talk about his feelings except once in a blue moon then he will change the subject and then deny his feelings..
3.Rule Breaker. The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.
“I take pride in persuading people to give me exceptions to their rules”
― Anonymous
4.Boundary Violator. Shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for one’s own lack of respect.
“It’s your fault that I forgot because you didn’t remind me”
― Anonymous
5. Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them.. I dealt with this in many ways with him, but mostly in a sexual way.. It was take care of him and you might be taken care of but not always..
6. Charmer. Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what he desires, and giving him all of your attention. This is what happened not only to me but too all of his exes. He will give you several chances to make sure you fulfill his needs and wants, but he seems to always be searching for the next one he can "rescue" and help who will be his next conquest..
He is a nice guy and part of me will always love him, however it was not a healthy relationship. I know you want everyone to think everything is amazing and great but I have been there and others have been there and seen how things have went throughout the years with not only me but other exes. His own family warned me that when he was done with me he would throw me away like trash and then if he needed me he would come around again.. He is in ways the most amazing man I have ever met he taught me what being loved was, how it felt to have someone fight for me and in my corner and what it was like to spend time with someone and enjoy it.. I loved everything about him, his smell, his touch, the way he said my name and made me feel (99%) of the time. He made me feel like life was going to be better than ever and I felt like God truly wanted us together.. He took me on many adventures, gave me many "firsts".. I learned ways to please him and thank him. I gave up part of me to make him happy and put up with his snide, hateful comments that put me down all because I thought he loved me...
In reality he may have cared, but I truly believe he has no idea how to truly love anyone. He blamed me for many things that were not my fault or me, he blamed his exes for many things that was not their fault but he was very good and convincing me that they were to blame for the bad things in his life..He will not take responsibility for his actions or any actions that have caused things to happen in life that has happened it is always someone else's fault. I am sure you have heard many bad things about me, his kids mom and his other ex wives. I am sure you have heard things about his family and how they are against him.. I hope you know I am not telling you to not love him, want him or need him, however I am hoping that if you ever read this you will see that things have happened in your relationship that have happened to me and also to his other exes.. I hope you will know that when he is done he will throw you away like the trash and leave you with nothing and talk bad about you and your kids..
I got a letter from one of his exes mom warning me about the things she had witnessed, hadn't changed and I would end up hurt.. She was right and I knew it when I read the letter but my love for him outweighed the fear the letter put in me.. He took my money to "pay" the bills and I was left with nothing.. When the kids and I were kicked out we had nothing but our clothes.. I don't write this because I want him back because I am better off (yes that is hard to say) without him and his games, hurt and lack of ability to truly love and want a relationship.. He is always looking for the next one and still talks to his exes even though they are "horrible"..
Just think about yourself and know that you are a person.. You like me and his other exes have been through so much in our lives and we deserve someone who truly loves us, wants the best, wants to work at a relationship and doesn't make us feel bad about us, under mind us and wants us to be happy.. Remember to take care of yourself, put money back and have a back up plan just in case.. I hope for your sake he has changed even some, but i think I know enough to know he hasn't..
To the one after me.... take care of you.. know that I don't hate him, want him back or wish bad for him.. I pray for him and for you.. I pray that God works in a mighty way and that he does change and treats the one he says he loves with honesty, truth and integrity.. I know that as of now that is not happening.. Just take care of you.. Love him.. I did.. Need him.. I did.. Want him.. I did, but take care of you....
The one before you who knows...
I write this not because I am jealous, mad or because I want him back.. I write this because I want you to know that I know way more than I say and that I pray that he has changed and that he treats you better than he has the ones before you.. I am not here to talk bad about him or tell you that your wrong for dating him.. I just want you to know that when the going gets rough that there are others who understand where you are and what you are going through..
I know he is one of the sweetest, most caring men you have ever met and he will do just about anything to make you happy.. He can say all the right things and he can even do most all of the right things.. He is very good at making you feel like you are his world. He is good at building things, he is handy and he does work hard.. He also has a short fuse and don't think it is ok to get onto his kids or try to help him with parenting his kids because he will turn into Mr Grumpy pants asap.. Don't worry though he will get onto your kids, tell you how to parent them and what you should or shouldn't do for and with your kids and if you choose to not listen or heed his advice on parenting you will become a terrible parent and person for not listening to him because he has all the answers..
He will yell at you, belittle you, put you down and he will tell you horror stories about his exes.. It took me a longtime to really see this.. I thought for the longest time how in the world could his exes have done this or that or not wanted to treat him right.. You see I was blinded by his sugary sweet words, kindness and he was very convincing.. In fact for a very longtime I could not see that instead of building me up and helping me he was actually tearing me down and breaking me down..
I feel in love with him hard, deep and fast.. I was willing to give up almost anything to be with this man.. He grew more angry when he realized that my kids were most important thing to me and I was not going to let him treat them the way he was.. My kids were expected to follow all the rules and respect him while his kids could do whatever and didn't have to respect me. It turned into a big mess, but yet I still loved him and was willing to be there for him when he called..
Over the past year I have learned about narcissist's and how they work and what it is like to be in a relationship with one.. I learned that I believe he is one and that even though I prayed and thought that things would change I couldn't do it on my own. You see I know most of the exes and I watched him with them at different times and after my eyes were open I learned it wasn't always them.. He would do his best to make them look like the bad person when in fact that was not always the case..
Here are a few signs and things I learned after I walked away and learned that yes I did make some mistakes, but I really did give it my all and I wanted it to work so badly because I loved him with all of my heart..
1.Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. I used to think I was a failure because he would say things that would make me feel stupid and incompetent.. I feel such a sense of relief after I realized I am not a bad person and I am not crazy..
2.Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade. He does not talk about his feelings except once in a blue moon then he will change the subject and then deny his feelings..
3.Rule Breaker. The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.
“I take pride in persuading people to give me exceptions to their rules”
― Anonymous
4.Boundary Violator. Shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for one’s own lack of respect.
“It’s your fault that I forgot because you didn’t remind me”
― Anonymous
5. Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them.. I dealt with this in many ways with him, but mostly in a sexual way.. It was take care of him and you might be taken care of but not always..
6. Charmer. Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what he desires, and giving him all of your attention. This is what happened not only to me but too all of his exes. He will give you several chances to make sure you fulfill his needs and wants, but he seems to always be searching for the next one he can "rescue" and help who will be his next conquest..
He is a nice guy and part of me will always love him, however it was not a healthy relationship. I know you want everyone to think everything is amazing and great but I have been there and others have been there and seen how things have went throughout the years with not only me but other exes. His own family warned me that when he was done with me he would throw me away like trash and then if he needed me he would come around again.. He is in ways the most amazing man I have ever met he taught me what being loved was, how it felt to have someone fight for me and in my corner and what it was like to spend time with someone and enjoy it.. I loved everything about him, his smell, his touch, the way he said my name and made me feel (99%) of the time. He made me feel like life was going to be better than ever and I felt like God truly wanted us together.. He took me on many adventures, gave me many "firsts".. I learned ways to please him and thank him. I gave up part of me to make him happy and put up with his snide, hateful comments that put me down all because I thought he loved me...
In reality he may have cared, but I truly believe he has no idea how to truly love anyone. He blamed me for many things that were not my fault or me, he blamed his exes for many things that was not their fault but he was very good and convincing me that they were to blame for the bad things in his life..He will not take responsibility for his actions or any actions that have caused things to happen in life that has happened it is always someone else's fault. I am sure you have heard many bad things about me, his kids mom and his other ex wives. I am sure you have heard things about his family and how they are against him.. I hope you know I am not telling you to not love him, want him or need him, however I am hoping that if you ever read this you will see that things have happened in your relationship that have happened to me and also to his other exes.. I hope you will know that when he is done he will throw you away like the trash and leave you with nothing and talk bad about you and your kids..
I got a letter from one of his exes mom warning me about the things she had witnessed, hadn't changed and I would end up hurt.. She was right and I knew it when I read the letter but my love for him outweighed the fear the letter put in me.. He took my money to "pay" the bills and I was left with nothing.. When the kids and I were kicked out we had nothing but our clothes.. I don't write this because I want him back because I am better off (yes that is hard to say) without him and his games, hurt and lack of ability to truly love and want a relationship.. He is always looking for the next one and still talks to his exes even though they are "horrible"..
Just think about yourself and know that you are a person.. You like me and his other exes have been through so much in our lives and we deserve someone who truly loves us, wants the best, wants to work at a relationship and doesn't make us feel bad about us, under mind us and wants us to be happy.. Remember to take care of yourself, put money back and have a back up plan just in case.. I hope for your sake he has changed even some, but i think I know enough to know he hasn't..
To the one after me.... take care of you.. know that I don't hate him, want him back or wish bad for him.. I pray for him and for you.. I pray that God works in a mighty way and that he does change and treats the one he says he loves with honesty, truth and integrity.. I know that as of now that is not happening.. Just take care of you.. Love him.. I did.. Need him.. I did.. Want him.. I did, but take care of you....
The one before you who knows...
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Heartbreaking..
It is heartbreaking for me as a parent to see kids at different functions whether it be a Church, sport or school event looking around to see if their mom/dad is there to see and support them. You can sometimes see them causally glance over their shoulder when they make a point in the game. Sometimes they break their necks to see if mom or dad is there to see them sing their little off key two sentence solo. Sometimes they just want to know that although things are not the same as they used to be that their parent is there for them and will support them.
Now before you get all upset let me first say that I understand that there are parents who work and cannot make it to everything. I also understand that sometimes there are more than one child in a family with things going on at the same time, I also understand that sometimes there is sickness, family emergencies and a plethora of other reasons and honestly kids who know these things are usually ok and very understanding about the "missing" parent..
It is those kids whose parents just choose not to show up that really get me.. I guess because I have had to deal with this on a personal level.. This doesn't just effect small children, but older children and teenager alike.. A few years ago I watched my oldest daughters world crash as they called her parents names for Senior night and even though she had been looking all throughout the game and in her heart she knew it crushed her when only I started across the gym to her.. I was one of the most heartbreaking I have watched one of my children go through and to know there was nothing I could do to prevent it..
As a parent we are the adults.. Are our kids going to hurt our feelings, act a fool, be disrespectful at times and not always agree with us.. Of course however when you become a parent you have to step up, be an adult and not a selfish childish brat yourself.. It shouldn't matter if your married to the children's other parent or not and it darn sure shouldn't matter if you get along with them or not.. You really have no idea the amount of damage you are doing when you do not show up and support your kids when you can..
Sad thing is in a couple of days my youngest daughter will be celebrating her Senior night for basketball season and her words were I'm not getting my hopes up mom. That my friend's is heartbreaking..
As a parent step up, grow up and support your kids.. It really doesn't matter if you like the other parent, are upset with your kids or any of your other pathetic excuses support your children.. They really didn't ask to be in this situation.. Someday you still wish your kids cared, supported you and were around.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Finally Free
This is a post that has been brewing in my head for awhile now and although I am still not sure what all this post might entail I do know that it is talking about a breakthrough a real change in my life that has been happening over the past couple of years.. The changes, challenges, blessings and all that has happened is only by the Grace of God. I know that for a while I was stuck in trying to make things work out the way I thought they should or that I wanted them to for many reasons, but the simple reason was I thought those ideas and things were what was going to make me happy. I felt that I knew what was best for me but in all reality I know that His timing and ways are the best..
I spent a lot of time convincing myself that things would change and be different even though the pattern seemed to always be the same. You see I had fallen in love and I wanted to more than anything for it to be the right and true. He showed me what I thought was real love for the first time, he stood up for me in ways no one ever had before, he taught me things, shared many "firsts" with me and I was naïve and although many pointed out things I chose to see what I was sure was the good.. I tried my hardest to make sure he knew how much he meant to me and that I would do anything for him.. On one hand he was the sweetest, kindest, most caring and loving person I had ever known, however on the other hand he was one of those sweet in public and when it was just the two of us, but then when the kids were around and I guess even in some public circumstances he was all about control, things should be his way and the word revolved around him.. I played this game.. I wanted to be a wonderful wife and I did my best to let the world revolve around him and I tried to not cross him because after all he was the Man of the house.. He was always right and at times aggressive..
Funny thing about this is that I had watched him with other people and I had always seen that "someone" else was to blame for what was going on. Someone else was always pushing his buttons, I watched him become aggressive in many situations which aggression was not warranted, but as a blinded person who was in love and wanted what I saw was the best I believed for a very long time that people really were out to get him, that he was innocent and that he tried hard to do the right thing.. Now I am not saying he was always in the wrong and I think he did try very hard in some areas, however I think he got so caught up in the "me" world that he really didn't care who he hurt. I have said for a while now that I do not believe that he knows how to be loved and in turn he cannot show true love. I believe he has a good heart and that he would help just about anyone..
I am not trying to talk bad about him I just needed to put a little background out there.. You see when I got involved with him I really thought it would be forever and I was sure that was what God wanted and even when things got so bad I still "knew" in my heart he was "the" one. In fact even after many break ups, marriage, divorce and trying to rekindle again and again I would still jump when he called or texted and if he needed some help I was the one who would drop everything to help him out, spend time with him and even when I knew better I kept trying.. A couple years ago maybe 3 years ago.. He found someone he needed to rescue and walked away even after his many promises to be with me and blah blah blah.. Who was there when that relationship/marriage that started on lies and was based on lies fell apart?? You guessed it me.. I started pulling away then for awhile because I just didn't trust much anymore.. Two summers ago we started spending time together again and "trying" well in my eyes to work things out again.. In reality I knew they would not work because he always had a problem with my children and his were perfect.. Now I love his kids like they were my own and they loved me too.. He thought his kids had been through enough and should not have to follow rules, help and could treat me however they wanted, but my children could do no right and were always in trouble.. He wanted to tell me who I could hang out with, when I could, what I could do, how I could spend my money and because I still felt so much love for him and that God wanted us to be together I tried.. I tried up till about 18 months ago when he was asking me to go on trips with him, move in with him, and such.. I tried right up too the weekend I was supposed to go out of town with him and he moved in his "new" find.. Silly me thought that it wouldn't last because I just knew he really loved me, God wanted us together and lots of other silly things.. I pulled back had many conversations with friends, spent much time in prayer and trusted that God has something wonderful and perfect for me..
As I began to step back and spend more time with the Lord things began to change within myself. I was finally at the point where I could see things on my own and I was not just hearing it from others. I finally started to see somethings that one of my best friends whom was so close to the situation (because she is his family) had been trying to tell me.. I truly for a longtime chalked it up to them having differences and it sometimes hurt my feelings to hear some of the things she told me, pointed out to me and showed me.. Now let me say she is one of the smartest most level headed people I know and although my feelings were sometimes hurt I know that she said things because she cared about me as her friend and she had seen this pattern before and was trying to save me from hurt... I thank her from the bottom of my heart for not giving up on me because I know she thought I was crazy and hard headed..
When this school year began I knew changes were in the air.. Big changes.. I had a child getting married, I had a child in college, a Senior in high school, a soon to be 16 year old and my youngest turned into a teenager.. Please Help Me Jesus!!! I kind of felt over whelmed, but I knew God had some big things in store if I would just Pick up my cross, step out in faith and follow Him.. Now as a Christian some might think this is an easy task, but as a human I think I might have dug my toes in the sand and held on tight because well I am human and I do not always deal well with change.. :) Hey I am just being honest here.. :) My momma always said I have a big heart and I let people walk on me.. Well I decided this year I was done and I was stepping out in FAITH and letting go and letting God.. I will be honest I gave a little to God then I took a little back, I said yes then I was like ummm.. Finally in November I knew it was the time.. I gave my notice at the school where I had worked since we moved to here 5 years ago.. I started out as a sub, then full time sub and had been the assistant cook the past few years.. I really enjoyed the kids and most of the adults, but after some really shady stuff went down the year before and thing were not better at the beginning of this year it was time to go.. I had gotten a second job in October, which I loved.. I worked both jobs, took care of the kids and wore myself out for 2 months.. I worked till Thanksgiving break at the school and yes I miss the kids and they miss me too.. When I see them they hug me, talk to me and ask if I will come back.. It was bittersweet, but well worth it..
Since I took that step in faith and got out of the job at the school, which had caused me more stress, headache and well made me into a mean, hateful person God has done amazing things for my kids and I... My oldest son got married to a wonderful girl they both work hard and love the Lord and are very active in their church.. My oldest daughter is getting married, joined the National Guard and has one more year of college, and is doing amazing.. He guy is a good guy from a great family and he is also in the Guard.. My youngest daughter is a senior in high school, has applied to college, is doing good in sports and loves the Lord as well and will be babysitting this summer for 4 great girls.. My middle son... Well he is a pretty good kid, maybe tad lazy, but smart, handsome and really can be a sweet kid when he isn't being sarcastic.. ( I am sure he is more like me than I care to admit. ) He is a gamer.. I wish he was a basketball gamer, or a football gamer but he doesn't want to put forth that much effort.. In fact unless he is trying to negotiate not a lot of effort is put forth, but I love him.. My youngest well Praise Jesus for that little spitfire that keeps my on my toes.. He is a sweet. loving kid but has well lets say might be a "spirited" He shows rabbits and enjoys doing that and does well.. He is all boy.. God blessed me with these great kids..
Since this fall the kids and I with the help of my parents were able to move into a nice little house.. It might be small, but it is nicer, drier, cozier, easy to heat, has a big kitchen and no leaking roof so we are all happy.. It is such a blessing after living in what I might call a shack, Kitchen roof leaked so bad it was falling down in the old house, raccoons and cats were frequent visitors in the back room of the old house, the wind blew right through it and we often spent at least a week at time in the winter taking showers and doing laundry at my friend house due to frozen pipes.. It was terrible, but God has blessed up and I am so thankful for this little house and my parents..
I love my new job and for the first time probably in my adult life I do not have to worry about how I am going to pay my bills.. God has blessed us more than I can even begin to tell you.. We are able to do things, have things, help others and enjoy life somewhat without stressing if we have the money to pay the bills or food.. I have been able to help some friends at different times, my tithing has been so much better. You see I finally feel free from the hold I had on me, the hold where I thought that I should be ready if and when someone called because if they needed me I should go.. No I stopped letting myself be used, lied too and treated like a piece of meat.. I know what I felt was honest and true but I believe I am finally free and that by reaching out, stepping out and allowing God to lead me He has blessed my family and I.. I finally feel like I can breath and that life is going to be ok. I can take care of me and my kids and not feel guilty or bad and know that I am doing the right thing...
During the past few months I had a couple other toxic friendships stop and it is amazing just how freeing life is when God is in control and what others think, say and do really doesn't matter because the Number ONE thing is my relationship with Jesus Christ who is truly my best friend.. He will never leave me or forsake me and He has been patient with me and I sometimes think He was up there saying. Oh my will she ever learn and listen.. Thank You Jesus for all You have done for me, my kids and family and all that You will do.. I know You want only the best and have something great in store for my kids and for me.. I am excited to see what You do next..
Finally free, taking care of me, trusting Him and resting in His promises.. Thank You Jesus.
I spent a lot of time convincing myself that things would change and be different even though the pattern seemed to always be the same. You see I had fallen in love and I wanted to more than anything for it to be the right and true. He showed me what I thought was real love for the first time, he stood up for me in ways no one ever had before, he taught me things, shared many "firsts" with me and I was naïve and although many pointed out things I chose to see what I was sure was the good.. I tried my hardest to make sure he knew how much he meant to me and that I would do anything for him.. On one hand he was the sweetest, kindest, most caring and loving person I had ever known, however on the other hand he was one of those sweet in public and when it was just the two of us, but then when the kids were around and I guess even in some public circumstances he was all about control, things should be his way and the word revolved around him.. I played this game.. I wanted to be a wonderful wife and I did my best to let the world revolve around him and I tried to not cross him because after all he was the Man of the house.. He was always right and at times aggressive..
Funny thing about this is that I had watched him with other people and I had always seen that "someone" else was to blame for what was going on. Someone else was always pushing his buttons, I watched him become aggressive in many situations which aggression was not warranted, but as a blinded person who was in love and wanted what I saw was the best I believed for a very long time that people really were out to get him, that he was innocent and that he tried hard to do the right thing.. Now I am not saying he was always in the wrong and I think he did try very hard in some areas, however I think he got so caught up in the "me" world that he really didn't care who he hurt. I have said for a while now that I do not believe that he knows how to be loved and in turn he cannot show true love. I believe he has a good heart and that he would help just about anyone..
I am not trying to talk bad about him I just needed to put a little background out there.. You see when I got involved with him I really thought it would be forever and I was sure that was what God wanted and even when things got so bad I still "knew" in my heart he was "the" one. In fact even after many break ups, marriage, divorce and trying to rekindle again and again I would still jump when he called or texted and if he needed some help I was the one who would drop everything to help him out, spend time with him and even when I knew better I kept trying.. A couple years ago maybe 3 years ago.. He found someone he needed to rescue and walked away even after his many promises to be with me and blah blah blah.. Who was there when that relationship/marriage that started on lies and was based on lies fell apart?? You guessed it me.. I started pulling away then for awhile because I just didn't trust much anymore.. Two summers ago we started spending time together again and "trying" well in my eyes to work things out again.. In reality I knew they would not work because he always had a problem with my children and his were perfect.. Now I love his kids like they were my own and they loved me too.. He thought his kids had been through enough and should not have to follow rules, help and could treat me however they wanted, but my children could do no right and were always in trouble.. He wanted to tell me who I could hang out with, when I could, what I could do, how I could spend my money and because I still felt so much love for him and that God wanted us to be together I tried.. I tried up till about 18 months ago when he was asking me to go on trips with him, move in with him, and such.. I tried right up too the weekend I was supposed to go out of town with him and he moved in his "new" find.. Silly me thought that it wouldn't last because I just knew he really loved me, God wanted us together and lots of other silly things.. I pulled back had many conversations with friends, spent much time in prayer and trusted that God has something wonderful and perfect for me..
As I began to step back and spend more time with the Lord things began to change within myself. I was finally at the point where I could see things on my own and I was not just hearing it from others. I finally started to see somethings that one of my best friends whom was so close to the situation (because she is his family) had been trying to tell me.. I truly for a longtime chalked it up to them having differences and it sometimes hurt my feelings to hear some of the things she told me, pointed out to me and showed me.. Now let me say she is one of the smartest most level headed people I know and although my feelings were sometimes hurt I know that she said things because she cared about me as her friend and she had seen this pattern before and was trying to save me from hurt... I thank her from the bottom of my heart for not giving up on me because I know she thought I was crazy and hard headed..
When this school year began I knew changes were in the air.. Big changes.. I had a child getting married, I had a child in college, a Senior in high school, a soon to be 16 year old and my youngest turned into a teenager.. Please Help Me Jesus!!! I kind of felt over whelmed, but I knew God had some big things in store if I would just Pick up my cross, step out in faith and follow Him.. Now as a Christian some might think this is an easy task, but as a human I think I might have dug my toes in the sand and held on tight because well I am human and I do not always deal well with change.. :) Hey I am just being honest here.. :) My momma always said I have a big heart and I let people walk on me.. Well I decided this year I was done and I was stepping out in FAITH and letting go and letting God.. I will be honest I gave a little to God then I took a little back, I said yes then I was like ummm.. Finally in November I knew it was the time.. I gave my notice at the school where I had worked since we moved to here 5 years ago.. I started out as a sub, then full time sub and had been the assistant cook the past few years.. I really enjoyed the kids and most of the adults, but after some really shady stuff went down the year before and thing were not better at the beginning of this year it was time to go.. I had gotten a second job in October, which I loved.. I worked both jobs, took care of the kids and wore myself out for 2 months.. I worked till Thanksgiving break at the school and yes I miss the kids and they miss me too.. When I see them they hug me, talk to me and ask if I will come back.. It was bittersweet, but well worth it..
Since I took that step in faith and got out of the job at the school, which had caused me more stress, headache and well made me into a mean, hateful person God has done amazing things for my kids and I... My oldest son got married to a wonderful girl they both work hard and love the Lord and are very active in their church.. My oldest daughter is getting married, joined the National Guard and has one more year of college, and is doing amazing.. He guy is a good guy from a great family and he is also in the Guard.. My youngest daughter is a senior in high school, has applied to college, is doing good in sports and loves the Lord as well and will be babysitting this summer for 4 great girls.. My middle son... Well he is a pretty good kid, maybe tad lazy, but smart, handsome and really can be a sweet kid when he isn't being sarcastic.. ( I am sure he is more like me than I care to admit. ) He is a gamer.. I wish he was a basketball gamer, or a football gamer but he doesn't want to put forth that much effort.. In fact unless he is trying to negotiate not a lot of effort is put forth, but I love him.. My youngest well Praise Jesus for that little spitfire that keeps my on my toes.. He is a sweet. loving kid but has well lets say might be a "spirited" He shows rabbits and enjoys doing that and does well.. He is all boy.. God blessed me with these great kids..
Since this fall the kids and I with the help of my parents were able to move into a nice little house.. It might be small, but it is nicer, drier, cozier, easy to heat, has a big kitchen and no leaking roof so we are all happy.. It is such a blessing after living in what I might call a shack, Kitchen roof leaked so bad it was falling down in the old house, raccoons and cats were frequent visitors in the back room of the old house, the wind blew right through it and we often spent at least a week at time in the winter taking showers and doing laundry at my friend house due to frozen pipes.. It was terrible, but God has blessed up and I am so thankful for this little house and my parents..
I love my new job and for the first time probably in my adult life I do not have to worry about how I am going to pay my bills.. God has blessed us more than I can even begin to tell you.. We are able to do things, have things, help others and enjoy life somewhat without stressing if we have the money to pay the bills or food.. I have been able to help some friends at different times, my tithing has been so much better. You see I finally feel free from the hold I had on me, the hold where I thought that I should be ready if and when someone called because if they needed me I should go.. No I stopped letting myself be used, lied too and treated like a piece of meat.. I know what I felt was honest and true but I believe I am finally free and that by reaching out, stepping out and allowing God to lead me He has blessed my family and I.. I finally feel like I can breath and that life is going to be ok. I can take care of me and my kids and not feel guilty or bad and know that I am doing the right thing...
During the past few months I had a couple other toxic friendships stop and it is amazing just how freeing life is when God is in control and what others think, say and do really doesn't matter because the Number ONE thing is my relationship with Jesus Christ who is truly my best friend.. He will never leave me or forsake me and He has been patient with me and I sometimes think He was up there saying. Oh my will she ever learn and listen.. Thank You Jesus for all You have done for me, my kids and family and all that You will do.. I know You want only the best and have something great in store for my kids and for me.. I am excited to see what You do next..
Finally free, taking care of me, trusting Him and resting in His promises.. Thank You Jesus.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Dear Misinformed
Some of you will see the humor in this post others will think I am just being sarcastic and well truth is it is a ball of humor, sarcasm and truth.. I think it is funny that some people will talk about anything and everything even if they have no idea what is really going on. They will talk bad about people and be mean and hateful with no facts to back up what they say.. They will take what someone says and turn it all around and try to make themselves look good and others look bad. This is common practice especially among divorced couples, especially those who have gotten re-married to a jealous spouse.. Anyway this is my "generic" letter to all those misinformed people out there who buy into others stupidity...
Dear Misinformed,
First off let me thank you for taking such a vested interest in my life and what I do, say, where I go and who I call my friends. Thank you for always being the first to try to run me down, make me look bad and throw me under the bus. Thank you for always being in my corner, I mean who doesn't like knowing there is always someone there to point out their flaws, wrong doings and try to make people think bad of them.. Oh please pick me pick me. Oh wait you already have.. :) Thank you for saying things that often bring my children to me to ask if you are nuts, because you see as much fun as this game was before my kids were old enough to see with their own eyes how things were it is even better now that they see, hear and know just how smart you look and sound... You think it is me telling them things about you, but in reality they have made their own choices based on what they see, hear, how you treat them and their mother.. They know who takes care of them, supports them and is always there for them and well your record is.... how shall I say this??? full of blanks... (yes that will be good for now.. )
Secondly let me explain to you that just because someone has told you something that does not mean it is law and gospel... Let me see if I can think of an example... Oh here is one.. You keep telling everyone that "the Church" pays my bills every month. I find this quite funny since I work hard and pay my bills.. Have I had help before?? Yes I sure have... Is that any of your business?? No it is not just like it really isn't my business that you have had to borrow money, sell your guns,chain saws and etc to pay your bills... Have I thrown that in your face or made rude comments?? No. Why might you ask, well you see I know that sometimes in life people need a little help and it is ok to ask for it once in awhile.. I have a fulltime job that pays the bills and takes care of the kids and I and so contrary to what you believe, have been told or think you know I do take care of my bills myself 99.9% of the time.. Can you say the same thing?? Remember I can probably pull up facts to proof what I know about paying my bills and you needing help... We could get into a you know what contest but is that really necessary? Is my life that much your concern?? Do I care that much about your life?? No I care about my own life and the lives of my children..
Thirdly, you may be husband/wife of the year or parent of the year in your home to the kids that are there full-time but as for my children they know who is always there for them, supports them, helps them and wants them around and treats them like they deserve to be treated.. Do I care if you are married? No we do not. Do I want you back?? UMMMMM no. I had the chance several times to get back with you, but I chose not too... So when your partner is too jealous to let you out alone or let you answer your phone without them around I wonder where might your "balls" be??
Fourthly, when certain people post snide remarks on their social media page as digs at your children's parents and said children read them they do get mad, hurt and upset and guess who steps in and puts that fire out so said children do not go off on said step parent..Yep that's right it is me.... I stand up and tell them to let it go that someday it will all come out in the wash and they make themselves look like the crappy person... You see contrary to what you think or believe I do stand up for you as a parent.. I try to get the kids to come see you, but won't make them when you often bring them home early, don't have time for them, yell at them and well just won't be a parent and your spouse won't let you be around them alone because they are jealous and afraid of what the kids might say... All I can say is grow up..
Lastly, my former spouse and I had children together... I did not have children with their new spouse therefore I do not need their input on my children. The co parenting is between the true blood parents just like your co parenting is with your child's other parent. Let me just quickly recap I pay my own bills, I take care of my kids, I do not go around bad mouthing you and frankly I really could care less what you do with your life as long as you try to at least act like a loving supportive parent to the children you had first and foremost... Time to grow up, mind your own business and be responsible for yourself, your actions and quit bad mouthing and making excuses for things being the way they are.
You are no longer misinformed... I hope you have learned something and that maybe just maybe you will be a better person for reading this and know that I am not after you, do not want you and will not try to get you back... I know you better than she does and we will leave it at that. Later..
Oh wait one more thing to another misinformed person.. You broke my heart, you threw me under the bus and if and when you think you can come back and try again... Well your crazy because I gave you all I had and you threw it away so good luck living life on the run trying to make yourself happy...
I pray for all the misinformed people in the world. May God bless you and bring you to Him so that you can truly see how life should be...
God Bless
The one who is informed..
Dear Misinformed,
First off let me thank you for taking such a vested interest in my life and what I do, say, where I go and who I call my friends. Thank you for always being the first to try to run me down, make me look bad and throw me under the bus. Thank you for always being in my corner, I mean who doesn't like knowing there is always someone there to point out their flaws, wrong doings and try to make people think bad of them.. Oh please pick me pick me. Oh wait you already have.. :) Thank you for saying things that often bring my children to me to ask if you are nuts, because you see as much fun as this game was before my kids were old enough to see with their own eyes how things were it is even better now that they see, hear and know just how smart you look and sound... You think it is me telling them things about you, but in reality they have made their own choices based on what they see, hear, how you treat them and their mother.. They know who takes care of them, supports them and is always there for them and well your record is.... how shall I say this??? full of blanks... (yes that will be good for now.. )
Secondly let me explain to you that just because someone has told you something that does not mean it is law and gospel... Let me see if I can think of an example... Oh here is one.. You keep telling everyone that "the Church" pays my bills every month. I find this quite funny since I work hard and pay my bills.. Have I had help before?? Yes I sure have... Is that any of your business?? No it is not just like it really isn't my business that you have had to borrow money, sell your guns,chain saws and etc to pay your bills... Have I thrown that in your face or made rude comments?? No. Why might you ask, well you see I know that sometimes in life people need a little help and it is ok to ask for it once in awhile.. I have a fulltime job that pays the bills and takes care of the kids and I and so contrary to what you believe, have been told or think you know I do take care of my bills myself 99.9% of the time.. Can you say the same thing?? Remember I can probably pull up facts to proof what I know about paying my bills and you needing help... We could get into a you know what contest but is that really necessary? Is my life that much your concern?? Do I care that much about your life?? No I care about my own life and the lives of my children..
Thirdly, you may be husband/wife of the year or parent of the year in your home to the kids that are there full-time but as for my children they know who is always there for them, supports them, helps them and wants them around and treats them like they deserve to be treated.. Do I care if you are married? No we do not. Do I want you back?? UMMMMM no. I had the chance several times to get back with you, but I chose not too... So when your partner is too jealous to let you out alone or let you answer your phone without them around I wonder where might your "balls" be??
Fourthly, when certain people post snide remarks on their social media page as digs at your children's parents and said children read them they do get mad, hurt and upset and guess who steps in and puts that fire out so said children do not go off on said step parent..Yep that's right it is me.... I stand up and tell them to let it go that someday it will all come out in the wash and they make themselves look like the crappy person... You see contrary to what you think or believe I do stand up for you as a parent.. I try to get the kids to come see you, but won't make them when you often bring them home early, don't have time for them, yell at them and well just won't be a parent and your spouse won't let you be around them alone because they are jealous and afraid of what the kids might say... All I can say is grow up..
Lastly, my former spouse and I had children together... I did not have children with their new spouse therefore I do not need their input on my children. The co parenting is between the true blood parents just like your co parenting is with your child's other parent. Let me just quickly recap I pay my own bills, I take care of my kids, I do not go around bad mouthing you and frankly I really could care less what you do with your life as long as you try to at least act like a loving supportive parent to the children you had first and foremost... Time to grow up, mind your own business and be responsible for yourself, your actions and quit bad mouthing and making excuses for things being the way they are.
You are no longer misinformed... I hope you have learned something and that maybe just maybe you will be a better person for reading this and know that I am not after you, do not want you and will not try to get you back... I know you better than she does and we will leave it at that. Later..
Oh wait one more thing to another misinformed person.. You broke my heart, you threw me under the bus and if and when you think you can come back and try again... Well your crazy because I gave you all I had and you threw it away so good luck living life on the run trying to make yourself happy...
I pray for all the misinformed people in the world. May God bless you and bring you to Him so that you can truly see how life should be...
God Bless
The one who is informed..
Christmas 2015
I haven't had a chance to write about Christmas yet so here goes..
Background.. The kids and I have done our Christmas on Christmas eve day for the last several years, then we go to candlelight services with my family, then to my parents and then they go spend the night at their dad's house.. Well this year things were different to say the least..
I gained a daughter in law in November which added a twist to plans, add in Jordin has to work till noon and I got called in to work and add too all of this my dad thinks it's the day to wean calves so Jordin was busy when I got off.. Well the 4 younger kids, my great niece Elizabeth and I had Christmas, then part of us headed to services and eventually all ended up at mom and dad's..
It was a great time at mom and dad's.. Some of you may remember last year mom had bracelets out of my grandma's silver.. Well this year she did something wonderful and homemade for us girls again.. She gathered her favorite recipes and made us all a cookbook. Now for someone who loves to cook as much as I do and who had kids that prefer homemade stuff this was great.. I am excited to try many of the recipes in my book and so glad my girls got one of their own..
Jordin and Katie got me a gift card, which I have put to good use with bargain shopping.. Jill got me a new set of canisters and baking sheets which I needed.. I got my kids all things they wanted this year and feel so blessed..
My kids have learned over the years that it's not how much you get at Christmas, it's about Jesus birth.. This year they got blessed more than in years past and it was only by God's grace. You see I stepped out in faith and made changes in my life that honored God and He has blessed my kids and I..
By Christmas 2016 I will most likely added a son in law which will add yet another twist to gathering the kids for Christmas but I have faith in God that He will bring us together if it's His will.. Remember Jesus is the reason for the season.. Keep Him first..
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Some days
There are days I feel like I can't go on.. I wonder just how much more I can take.. When my heart hurts and the loneliness sets in. I realize God had a plan and that we will go through this times in life when it seems too much to bear. I know God is in control and He wants the very best for me.. Weaping May last for the night but joy comes in the morning. Thank You Lord.. Thank You for new mercies every morning..
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