To the one after me....

To that one after me..

I write this not because I am jealous, mad or because I want him back.. I write this because I want you to know that I know way more than I say and that I pray that he has changed and that he treats you better than he has the ones before you.. I am not here to talk bad about him or tell you that your wrong for dating him.. I just want you to know that when the going gets rough that there are others who understand where you are and what you are going through..

I know he is one of the sweetest, most caring men you have ever met and he will do just about anything to make you happy.. He can say all the right things and he can even do most all of the right things.. He is very good at making you feel like you are his world. He is good at building things, he is handy and he does work hard.. He also has a short fuse and don't think it is ok to get onto his kids or try to help him with parenting his kids because he will turn into Mr Grumpy pants asap.. Don't worry though he will get onto your kids, tell you how to parent them and what you should or shouldn't do for and with your kids and if you choose to not listen or heed his advice on parenting you will become a terrible parent and person for not listening to him because he has all the answers..

He will yell at you, belittle you, put you down and he will tell you horror stories about his exes.. It took me a longtime to really see this.. I thought for the longest time how in the world could his exes have done this or that or not wanted to treat him right.. You see I was blinded by his sugary sweet words, kindness and he was very convincing.. In fact for a very longtime I could not see that instead of building me up and helping me he was actually tearing me down and breaking me down..

I feel in love with him hard, deep and fast.. I was willing to give up almost anything to be with this man.. He grew more angry when he realized that my kids were most important thing to me and I was not going to let him treat them the way he was.. My kids were expected to follow all the rules and respect him while his kids could do whatever and didn't have to respect me. It turned into a big mess, but yet I still loved him and was willing to be there for him when he called..

Over the past year I have learned about narcissist's and how they work and what it is like to be in a relationship with one.. I learned that I believe he is one and that even though I prayed and thought that things would change I couldn't do it on my own. You see I know most of the exes and I watched him with them at different times and after my eyes were open I learned it wasn't always them.. He would do his best to make them look like the bad person when in fact that was not always the case..

Here are a few signs and things I learned after I walked away and learned that yes I did make some mistakes, but I really did give it my all and I wanted it to work so badly because I loved him with all of my heart..

1.Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. I used to think I was a failure because he would say things that would make me feel stupid and incompetent.. I feel such a sense of relief after I realized I am not a bad person and I am not crazy..
2.Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.  He does not talk about his feelings except once in a blue moon then he will change the subject and then deny his feelings..
3.Rule Breaker. The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.
“I take pride in persuading people to give me exceptions to their rules”
― Anonymous
4.Boundary Violator. Shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for one’s own lack of respect.
“It’s your fault that I forgot because you didn’t remind me”
― Anonymous
5. Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them.. I dealt with this in many ways with him, but mostly in a sexual way.. It was take care of him and you might be taken care of but not always..
6. Charmer. Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what he desires, and giving him all of your attention. This is what happened not only to me but too all of his exes. He will give you several chances to make sure you fulfill his needs and wants, but he seems to always be searching for the next one he can "rescue" and help who will be his next conquest..

He is a nice guy and part of me will always love him, however it was not a healthy relationship. I know you want everyone to think everything is amazing and great but I have been there and others have been there and seen how things  have went throughout the years with not only me but other exes. His own family warned me that when he was done with me he would throw me away like trash and then if he needed me he would come around again.. He is in ways the most amazing man I have ever met he taught me what being loved was, how it felt to have someone fight for me and in my corner and what it was like to spend time with someone and enjoy it.. I loved everything about him, his smell, his touch, the way he said my name and made me feel (99%) of the time. He made me feel like life was going to be better than ever and I felt like God truly wanted us together.. He took me on many adventures, gave me many "firsts".. I learned ways to please him and thank him. I gave up part of me to make him happy and put up with his snide, hateful comments that put me down all because I thought he loved me...

In reality he may have cared, but I truly believe he has no idea how to truly love anyone. He blamed me for many things that were not my fault or me, he blamed his exes for many things that was not their fault but he was very good and convincing me that they were to blame for the bad things in his life..He will not take responsibility for his actions or any actions that have caused things to happen in life that has happened it is always someone else's fault. I am sure you have heard many bad things about me, his kids mom and his other ex wives. I am sure you have heard things about his family and how they are against him.. I hope you know I am not telling you to not love him, want him or need him, however I am hoping that if you ever read this you will see that things have happened in your relationship that have happened to me and also to his other exes.. I hope you will know that when he is done he will throw you away like the trash and leave you with nothing and talk bad about you and your kids..

I got a letter from one of his exes mom warning me about the things she had witnessed, hadn't changed and I would end up hurt.. She was right and I knew it when I read the letter but my love for him outweighed the fear the letter put in me.. He took my money to "pay" the bills and I was left with nothing.. When the kids and I were kicked out we had nothing but our clothes.. I don't write this because I want him back because I am better off (yes that is hard to say) without him and his games, hurt and lack of ability to truly love and want a relationship.. He is always looking for the next one and still talks to his exes even though they are "horrible"..

Just think about yourself and know that you are a person.. You like me and his other exes have been through so much in our lives and we deserve someone who truly loves us, wants the best, wants to work at a relationship and doesn't make us feel bad about us, under mind us and wants us to be happy.. Remember to take care of yourself, put money back and have a back up plan just in case.. I hope for your sake he has changed even some, but i think I know enough to know he hasn't..

To the one after me.... take care of you.. know that I don't hate him, want him back or wish bad for him.. I pray for him and for you.. I pray that God works in a mighty way and that he does change and treats the one he says he loves with honesty, truth and integrity.. I know that as of now that is not happening.. Just take care of you.. Love him.. I did.. Need him.. I did.. Want him.. I did, but take care of you....

The one before you who knows...