Finally Free

This is a post that has been brewing in my head for awhile now and although I am still not sure what all this post might entail I do know that it is talking about a breakthrough a real change in my life that has been happening over the past couple of years.. The changes, challenges, blessings and all that has happened is only by the Grace of God. I know that for a while I was stuck in trying to make things work out the way I thought they should or that I wanted them to for many reasons, but the simple reason was I thought those ideas and things were what was going to make me happy. I felt that I knew what was best for me but in all reality I know that His timing and ways are the best..

I spent a lot of time convincing myself that things would change and be different even though the pattern seemed to always be the same. You see I had fallen in love and I wanted to more than anything for it to be the right and true. He showed me what I thought was real love for the first time, he stood up for me in ways no one ever had before, he taught me things, shared many "firsts" with me and I was naïve and although many pointed out things I chose to see what I was sure was the good.. I tried my hardest to make sure he knew how much he meant to me and that I would do anything for him.. On one hand he was the sweetest, kindest, most caring and loving person I had ever known, however on the other hand he was one of those sweet in public and when it was just the two of us, but then when the kids were around and I guess even in some public circumstances he was all about control, things should be his way and the word revolved around him.. I played this game.. I wanted to be a wonderful wife and I did my best to let the world revolve around him and I tried to not cross him because after all he was the Man of the house.. He was always right and at times aggressive..

Funny thing about this is that I had watched him with other people and I had always seen that "someone" else was to blame for what was going on. Someone else was always pushing his buttons, I watched him become aggressive in many situations which aggression was not warranted, but as a blinded person who was in love and wanted what I saw was the best I believed for a very long time that people really were out to get him, that he was innocent and that he tried hard to do the right thing.. Now I am not saying he was always in the wrong and I think he did try very hard in some areas, however I think he got so caught up in the "me" world that he really didn't care who he hurt. I have said for a while now that I do not believe that he knows how to be loved and in turn he cannot show true love. I believe he has a good heart and that he would help just about anyone..

I am not trying to talk bad about him I just needed to put a little background out there.. You see when I got involved with him I really thought it would be forever and I was sure that was what God wanted and even when things got so bad I still "knew" in my heart he was "the" one. In fact even after many break ups, marriage, divorce and trying to rekindle again and again I would still jump when he called or texted and if he needed some help I was the one who would drop everything to help him out, spend time with him and even when I knew better I kept trying.. A couple years ago maybe 3 years ago.. He found someone he needed to rescue and walked away even after his many promises to be with me and blah blah blah.. Who was there when that relationship/marriage that started on lies and was based on lies fell apart?? You guessed it me.. I started pulling away then for awhile because I just didn't trust much anymore.. Two summers ago we started spending time together again and "trying" well in my eyes to work things out again.. In reality I knew they would not work because he always had a problem with my children and his were perfect.. Now I love his kids like they were my own and they loved me too.. He thought his kids had been through enough and should not have to follow rules, help and could treat me however they wanted, but my children could do no right and were always in trouble.. He wanted to tell me who I could hang out with, when I could, what I could do, how I could spend my money and because I still felt so much love for him and that God wanted us to be together I tried.. I tried up till about 18 months ago when he was asking me to go on trips with him, move in with him, and such.. I tried right up too the weekend I was supposed to go out of town with him and he moved in his "new" find.. Silly me thought that it wouldn't last because I just knew he really loved me, God wanted us together and lots of other silly things.. I pulled back had many conversations with friends, spent much time in prayer and trusted that God has something wonderful and perfect for me..

As I began to step back and spend more time with the Lord things began to change within myself. I was finally at the point where I could see things on my own and I was not just hearing it from others. I finally started to see somethings that one of my best friends whom was so close to the situation (because she is his family) had been trying to tell me.. I truly for a longtime chalked it up to them having differences and it sometimes hurt my feelings to hear some of the things she told me, pointed out to me and showed me.. Now let me say she is one of the smartest most level headed people I know and although my feelings were sometimes hurt I know that she said things because she cared about me as her friend and she had seen this pattern before and was trying to save me from hurt... I thank her from the bottom of my heart for not giving up on me because I know she thought I was crazy and hard headed..

When this school year began I knew changes were in the air.. Big changes.. I had a child getting married, I had a child in college, a Senior in high school, a soon to be 16 year old and my youngest turned into a teenager.. Please Help Me Jesus!!! I kind of felt over whelmed, but I knew God had some big things in store if I would just Pick up my cross, step out in faith and follow Him.. Now as a Christian some might think this is an easy task, but as a human I think I might have dug my toes in the sand and held on tight because well I am human and I do not always deal well with change.. :) Hey I am just being honest here.. :) My momma always said I have a big heart and I let people walk on me.. Well I decided this year I was done and I was stepping out in FAITH and letting go and letting God.. I will be honest I gave a little to God then I took a little back, I said yes then I was like ummm.. Finally in November I knew it was the time.. I gave my notice at the school where I had worked since we moved to here 5 years ago.. I started out as a sub, then full time sub and had been the assistant cook the past few years.. I really enjoyed the kids and most of the adults, but after some really shady stuff went down the year before and thing were not better at the beginning of this year it was time to go.. I had gotten a second job in October, which I loved.. I worked both jobs, took care of the kids and wore myself out for 2 months.. I worked till Thanksgiving break at the school and yes I miss the kids and they miss me too.. When I see them they hug me, talk to me and ask if I will come back.. It was bittersweet, but well worth it..

Since I took that step in faith and got out of the job at the school, which had caused me more stress, headache and well made me into a mean, hateful person God has done amazing things for my kids and I... My oldest son got married to a wonderful girl they both work hard and love the Lord and are very active in their church.. My oldest daughter is getting married, joined the National Guard and has one more year of college, and is doing amazing.. He guy is a good guy from a great family and he is also in the Guard.. My youngest daughter is a senior in high school, has applied to college, is doing good in sports and loves the Lord as well and will be babysitting this summer for 4 great girls.. My middle son... Well he is a pretty good kid, maybe  tad lazy, but smart, handsome and really can be a sweet kid when he isn't being sarcastic.. (  I am sure he is more like me than I care to admit. ) He is a gamer.. I wish he was a basketball gamer, or a football gamer but he doesn't want to put forth that much effort.. In fact unless he is trying to negotiate not a lot of effort is put forth, but I love him.. My youngest well Praise Jesus for that little spitfire that keeps my on my toes.. He is a sweet. loving kid but has well lets say might be a "spirited" He shows rabbits and enjoys doing that and does well.. He is all boy.. God blessed me with these great kids..

Since this fall the kids and I with the help of my parents were able to move into a nice little house.. It might be small, but it is nicer, drier, cozier, easy to heat, has a big kitchen and no leaking roof so we are all happy.. It is such a blessing after living in what I might call a shack, Kitchen roof leaked so bad it was falling down in the old house, raccoons and cats were frequent visitors in the back room of the old house, the wind blew right through it and we often spent at least a week at time in the winter taking showers and doing laundry at my friend house due to frozen pipes.. It was terrible, but God has blessed up and I am so thankful for this little house and my parents..

I love my new job and for the first time probably in my adult life I do not have to worry about how I am going to pay my bills.. God has blessed us more than I can even begin to tell you.. We are able to do things, have things, help others and enjoy life somewhat without stressing if we have the money to pay the bills or food.. I have been able to help some friends at different times, my tithing has been so much better. You see I finally feel free from the hold I had on me, the hold where I thought that I should be ready if and when someone called because if they needed me I should go.. No I stopped letting myself be used, lied too and treated like a piece of meat.. I know what I felt was honest and true but I believe I am finally free and that by reaching out, stepping out and allowing God to lead me He has blessed my family and I.. I finally feel like I can breath and that life is going to be ok. I can take care of me and my kids and not feel guilty or bad and know that I am doing the right thing...

During the past few months I had a couple other toxic friendships  stop and it is amazing just how freeing life is when God is in control and what others think, say and do really doesn't matter because the Number ONE thing is my relationship with Jesus Christ who is truly my best friend.. He will never leave me or forsake me and He has been patient with me and I sometimes think He was up there saying. Oh my will she ever learn and listen.. Thank You Jesus for all You have done for me, my kids and family and all that You will do.. I know You want only the best and have something great in store for my kids and for me.. I am excited to see what You do next..

Finally free, taking care of me, trusting Him and resting in His promises.. Thank You Jesus.