To tip or not to tip..

As a full-time waitress I feel like I should share what life is like.. You see many waitresses I know are single moms and waitressing is how they support and take care of their children, pay the bills and live..

I will be the first to tell you I have seen maybe even had a waitress or two that I thought had the personality of a limp dish rag, were moody and we'll just not very good at their jobs.. They mess up our orders, didn't refill our drinks, charged us wrong or a plethora of other things which makes us second guess leaving a tip.. Heck we might even think forget it they don't deserve a tip..

I'll also be the first to say I have had waitresses that I wish I could leave a huge tip. They are happy, helpful, refill our drinks, talk to us and have great personalities..

 Waitresses make very little an hour an rely on tips.. Just think if there weren't waitresses you would either have to cook and clean up meals everyday or eat fast food.. so the next time you go out to eat because you are in a hurry, don't feel like cooking and your kids are yelling and throwing stuff on the floor that your waitress is the reason you are able to be at that place eating and not having to cook or clean up after... Even $2 helps your waitress, but 15% of your total bill is a small price to pay to not have to cook or clean up..

Remember that your waitress has kids and she would like to be at home with them, cooking and cleaning up after their dinner, but she has to work so she is there so you can be out.. Thank her and even if she isn't the best she still deserves something..

To the one after me....

To that one after me..

I write this not because I am jealous, mad or because I want him back.. I write this because I want you to know that I know way more than I say and that I pray that he has changed and that he treats you better than he has the ones before you.. I am not here to talk bad about him or tell you that your wrong for dating him.. I just want you to know that when the going gets rough that there are others who understand where you are and what you are going through..

I know he is one of the sweetest, most caring men you have ever met and he will do just about anything to make you happy.. He can say all the right things and he can even do most all of the right things.. He is very good at making you feel like you are his world. He is good at building things, he is handy and he does work hard.. He also has a short fuse and don't think it is ok to get onto his kids or try to help him with parenting his kids because he will turn into Mr Grumpy pants asap.. Don't worry though he will get onto your kids, tell you how to parent them and what you should or shouldn't do for and with your kids and if you choose to not listen or heed his advice on parenting you will become a terrible parent and person for not listening to him because he has all the answers..

He will yell at you, belittle you, put you down and he will tell you horror stories about his exes.. It took me a longtime to really see this.. I thought for the longest time how in the world could his exes have done this or that or not wanted to treat him right.. You see I was blinded by his sugary sweet words, kindness and he was very convincing.. In fact for a very longtime I could not see that instead of building me up and helping me he was actually tearing me down and breaking me down..

I feel in love with him hard, deep and fast.. I was willing to give up almost anything to be with this man.. He grew more angry when he realized that my kids were most important thing to me and I was not going to let him treat them the way he was.. My kids were expected to follow all the rules and respect him while his kids could do whatever and didn't have to respect me. It turned into a big mess, but yet I still loved him and was willing to be there for him when he called..

Over the past year I have learned about narcissist's and how they work and what it is like to be in a relationship with one.. I learned that I believe he is one and that even though I prayed and thought that things would change I couldn't do it on my own. You see I know most of the exes and I watched him with them at different times and after my eyes were open I learned it wasn't always them.. He would do his best to make them look like the bad person when in fact that was not always the case..

Here are a few signs and things I learned after I walked away and learned that yes I did make some mistakes, but I really did give it my all and I wanted it to work so badly because I loved him with all of my heart..

1.Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. I used to think I was a failure because he would say things that would make me feel stupid and incompetent.. I feel such a sense of relief after I realized I am not a bad person and I am not crazy..
2.Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.  He does not talk about his feelings except once in a blue moon then he will change the subject and then deny his feelings..
3.Rule Breaker. The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.
“I take pride in persuading people to give me exceptions to their rules”
― Anonymous
4.Boundary Violator. Shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for one’s own lack of respect.
“It’s your fault that I forgot because you didn’t remind me”
― Anonymous
5. Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them.. I dealt with this in many ways with him, but mostly in a sexual way.. It was take care of him and you might be taken care of but not always..
6. Charmer. Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what he desires, and giving him all of your attention. This is what happened not only to me but too all of his exes. He will give you several chances to make sure you fulfill his needs and wants, but he seems to always be searching for the next one he can "rescue" and help who will be his next conquest..

He is a nice guy and part of me will always love him, however it was not a healthy relationship. I know you want everyone to think everything is amazing and great but I have been there and others have been there and seen how things  have went throughout the years with not only me but other exes. His own family warned me that when he was done with me he would throw me away like trash and then if he needed me he would come around again.. He is in ways the most amazing man I have ever met he taught me what being loved was, how it felt to have someone fight for me and in my corner and what it was like to spend time with someone and enjoy it.. I loved everything about him, his smell, his touch, the way he said my name and made me feel (99%) of the time. He made me feel like life was going to be better than ever and I felt like God truly wanted us together.. He took me on many adventures, gave me many "firsts".. I learned ways to please him and thank him. I gave up part of me to make him happy and put up with his snide, hateful comments that put me down all because I thought he loved me...

In reality he may have cared, but I truly believe he has no idea how to truly love anyone. He blamed me for many things that were not my fault or me, he blamed his exes for many things that was not their fault but he was very good and convincing me that they were to blame for the bad things in his life..He will not take responsibility for his actions or any actions that have caused things to happen in life that has happened it is always someone else's fault. I am sure you have heard many bad things about me, his kids mom and his other ex wives. I am sure you have heard things about his family and how they are against him.. I hope you know I am not telling you to not love him, want him or need him, however I am hoping that if you ever read this you will see that things have happened in your relationship that have happened to me and also to his other exes.. I hope you will know that when he is done he will throw you away like the trash and leave you with nothing and talk bad about you and your kids..

I got a letter from one of his exes mom warning me about the things she had witnessed, hadn't changed and I would end up hurt.. She was right and I knew it when I read the letter but my love for him outweighed the fear the letter put in me.. He took my money to "pay" the bills and I was left with nothing.. When the kids and I were kicked out we had nothing but our clothes.. I don't write this because I want him back because I am better off (yes that is hard to say) without him and his games, hurt and lack of ability to truly love and want a relationship.. He is always looking for the next one and still talks to his exes even though they are "horrible"..

Just think about yourself and know that you are a person.. You like me and his other exes have been through so much in our lives and we deserve someone who truly loves us, wants the best, wants to work at a relationship and doesn't make us feel bad about us, under mind us and wants us to be happy.. Remember to take care of yourself, put money back and have a back up plan just in case.. I hope for your sake he has changed even some, but i think I know enough to know he hasn't..

To the one after me.... take care of you.. know that I don't hate him, want him back or wish bad for him.. I pray for him and for you.. I pray that God works in a mighty way and that he does change and treats the one he says he loves with honesty, truth and integrity.. I know that as of now that is not happening.. Just take care of you.. Love him.. I did.. Need him.. I did.. Want him.. I did, but take care of you....

The one before you who knows...

Heartbreaking..

It is heartbreaking for me as a parent to see kids at different functions whether it be a Church, sport or school event looking around to see if their mom/dad is there to see and support them. You can sometimes see them causally glance over their shoulder when they make a point in the game. Sometimes they break their necks to see if mom or dad is there to see them sing their little off key two sentence solo. Sometimes they just want to know that although things are not the same as they used to be that their parent is there for them and will support them.

Now before you get all upset let me first say that I understand that there are parents who work and cannot make it to everything. I also understand that sometimes there are more than one child in a family with things going on at the same time, I also understand that sometimes there is sickness, family emergencies and a plethora of other reasons and honestly kids who know these things are usually ok and very understanding about the "missing" parent..

It is those kids whose parents just choose not to show up that really get me.. I guess because I have had to deal with this on a personal level.. This doesn't just effect small children, but older children and teenager alike.. A few years ago I watched my oldest daughters world crash as they called her parents names for Senior night and even though she had been looking all throughout the game and in her heart she knew it crushed her when only I started across the gym to her.. I was one of the most heartbreaking I have watched one of my children go through and to know there was nothing I could do to prevent it..

As a parent we are the adults.. Are our kids going to hurt our feelings, act a fool, be disrespectful at times and not always agree with us.. Of course however when you become a parent you have to step up, be an adult and not a selfish childish brat yourself.. It shouldn't matter if your married to the children's other parent or not and it darn sure shouldn't matter if you get along with them or not.. You really have no idea the amount of damage you are doing when you do not show up and support your kids when you can..

Sad thing is in a couple of days my youngest daughter will be celebrating her Senior night for basketball season and her words were I'm not getting my hopes up mom. That my friend's is heartbreaking..

As a parent step up, grow up and support your kids.. It really doesn't matter if you like the other parent, are upset with your kids or any of your other pathetic excuses support your children.. They really didn't ask to be in this situation.. Someday you still wish your kids cared, supported you and were around.

Finally Free

This is a post that has been brewing in my head for awhile now and although I am still not sure what all this post might entail I do know that it is talking about a breakthrough a real change in my life that has been happening over the past couple of years.. The changes, challenges, blessings and all that has happened is only by the Grace of God. I know that for a while I was stuck in trying to make things work out the way I thought they should or that I wanted them to for many reasons, but the simple reason was I thought those ideas and things were what was going to make me happy. I felt that I knew what was best for me but in all reality I know that His timing and ways are the best..

I spent a lot of time convincing myself that things would change and be different even though the pattern seemed to always be the same. You see I had fallen in love and I wanted to more than anything for it to be the right and true. He showed me what I thought was real love for the first time, he stood up for me in ways no one ever had before, he taught me things, shared many "firsts" with me and I was naïve and although many pointed out things I chose to see what I was sure was the good.. I tried my hardest to make sure he knew how much he meant to me and that I would do anything for him.. On one hand he was the sweetest, kindest, most caring and loving person I had ever known, however on the other hand he was one of those sweet in public and when it was just the two of us, but then when the kids were around and I guess even in some public circumstances he was all about control, things should be his way and the word revolved around him.. I played this game.. I wanted to be a wonderful wife and I did my best to let the world revolve around him and I tried to not cross him because after all he was the Man of the house.. He was always right and at times aggressive..

Funny thing about this is that I had watched him with other people and I had always seen that "someone" else was to blame for what was going on. Someone else was always pushing his buttons, I watched him become aggressive in many situations which aggression was not warranted, but as a blinded person who was in love and wanted what I saw was the best I believed for a very long time that people really were out to get him, that he was innocent and that he tried hard to do the right thing.. Now I am not saying he was always in the wrong and I think he did try very hard in some areas, however I think he got so caught up in the "me" world that he really didn't care who he hurt. I have said for a while now that I do not believe that he knows how to be loved and in turn he cannot show true love. I believe he has a good heart and that he would help just about anyone..

I am not trying to talk bad about him I just needed to put a little background out there.. You see when I got involved with him I really thought it would be forever and I was sure that was what God wanted and even when things got so bad I still "knew" in my heart he was "the" one. In fact even after many break ups, marriage, divorce and trying to rekindle again and again I would still jump when he called or texted and if he needed some help I was the one who would drop everything to help him out, spend time with him and even when I knew better I kept trying.. A couple years ago maybe 3 years ago.. He found someone he needed to rescue and walked away even after his many promises to be with me and blah blah blah.. Who was there when that relationship/marriage that started on lies and was based on lies fell apart?? You guessed it me.. I started pulling away then for awhile because I just didn't trust much anymore.. Two summers ago we started spending time together again and "trying" well in my eyes to work things out again.. In reality I knew they would not work because he always had a problem with my children and his were perfect.. Now I love his kids like they were my own and they loved me too.. He thought his kids had been through enough and should not have to follow rules, help and could treat me however they wanted, but my children could do no right and were always in trouble.. He wanted to tell me who I could hang out with, when I could, what I could do, how I could spend my money and because I still felt so much love for him and that God wanted us to be together I tried.. I tried up till about 18 months ago when he was asking me to go on trips with him, move in with him, and such.. I tried right up too the weekend I was supposed to go out of town with him and he moved in his "new" find.. Silly me thought that it wouldn't last because I just knew he really loved me, God wanted us together and lots of other silly things.. I pulled back had many conversations with friends, spent much time in prayer and trusted that God has something wonderful and perfect for me..

As I began to step back and spend more time with the Lord things began to change within myself. I was finally at the point where I could see things on my own and I was not just hearing it from others. I finally started to see somethings that one of my best friends whom was so close to the situation (because she is his family) had been trying to tell me.. I truly for a longtime chalked it up to them having differences and it sometimes hurt my feelings to hear some of the things she told me, pointed out to me and showed me.. Now let me say she is one of the smartest most level headed people I know and although my feelings were sometimes hurt I know that she said things because she cared about me as her friend and she had seen this pattern before and was trying to save me from hurt... I thank her from the bottom of my heart for not giving up on me because I know she thought I was crazy and hard headed..

When this school year began I knew changes were in the air.. Big changes.. I had a child getting married, I had a child in college, a Senior in high school, a soon to be 16 year old and my youngest turned into a teenager.. Please Help Me Jesus!!! I kind of felt over whelmed, but I knew God had some big things in store if I would just Pick up my cross, step out in faith and follow Him.. Now as a Christian some might think this is an easy task, but as a human I think I might have dug my toes in the sand and held on tight because well I am human and I do not always deal well with change.. :) Hey I am just being honest here.. :) My momma always said I have a big heart and I let people walk on me.. Well I decided this year I was done and I was stepping out in FAITH and letting go and letting God.. I will be honest I gave a little to God then I took a little back, I said yes then I was like ummm.. Finally in November I knew it was the time.. I gave my notice at the school where I had worked since we moved to here 5 years ago.. I started out as a sub, then full time sub and had been the assistant cook the past few years.. I really enjoyed the kids and most of the adults, but after some really shady stuff went down the year before and thing were not better at the beginning of this year it was time to go.. I had gotten a second job in October, which I loved.. I worked both jobs, took care of the kids and wore myself out for 2 months.. I worked till Thanksgiving break at the school and yes I miss the kids and they miss me too.. When I see them they hug me, talk to me and ask if I will come back.. It was bittersweet, but well worth it..

Since I took that step in faith and got out of the job at the school, which had caused me more stress, headache and well made me into a mean, hateful person God has done amazing things for my kids and I... My oldest son got married to a wonderful girl they both work hard and love the Lord and are very active in their church.. My oldest daughter is getting married, joined the National Guard and has one more year of college, and is doing amazing.. He guy is a good guy from a great family and he is also in the Guard.. My youngest daughter is a senior in high school, has applied to college, is doing good in sports and loves the Lord as well and will be babysitting this summer for 4 great girls.. My middle son... Well he is a pretty good kid, maybe  tad lazy, but smart, handsome and really can be a sweet kid when he isn't being sarcastic.. (  I am sure he is more like me than I care to admit. ) He is a gamer.. I wish he was a basketball gamer, or a football gamer but he doesn't want to put forth that much effort.. In fact unless he is trying to negotiate not a lot of effort is put forth, but I love him.. My youngest well Praise Jesus for that little spitfire that keeps my on my toes.. He is a sweet. loving kid but has well lets say might be a "spirited" He shows rabbits and enjoys doing that and does well.. He is all boy.. God blessed me with these great kids..

Since this fall the kids and I with the help of my parents were able to move into a nice little house.. It might be small, but it is nicer, drier, cozier, easy to heat, has a big kitchen and no leaking roof so we are all happy.. It is such a blessing after living in what I might call a shack, Kitchen roof leaked so bad it was falling down in the old house, raccoons and cats were frequent visitors in the back room of the old house, the wind blew right through it and we often spent at least a week at time in the winter taking showers and doing laundry at my friend house due to frozen pipes.. It was terrible, but God has blessed up and I am so thankful for this little house and my parents..

I love my new job and for the first time probably in my adult life I do not have to worry about how I am going to pay my bills.. God has blessed us more than I can even begin to tell you.. We are able to do things, have things, help others and enjoy life somewhat without stressing if we have the money to pay the bills or food.. I have been able to help some friends at different times, my tithing has been so much better. You see I finally feel free from the hold I had on me, the hold where I thought that I should be ready if and when someone called because if they needed me I should go.. No I stopped letting myself be used, lied too and treated like a piece of meat.. I know what I felt was honest and true but I believe I am finally free and that by reaching out, stepping out and allowing God to lead me He has blessed my family and I.. I finally feel like I can breath and that life is going to be ok. I can take care of me and my kids and not feel guilty or bad and know that I am doing the right thing...

During the past few months I had a couple other toxic friendships  stop and it is amazing just how freeing life is when God is in control and what others think, say and do really doesn't matter because the Number ONE thing is my relationship with Jesus Christ who is truly my best friend.. He will never leave me or forsake me and He has been patient with me and I sometimes think He was up there saying. Oh my will she ever learn and listen.. Thank You Jesus for all You have done for me, my kids and family and all that You will do.. I know You want only the best and have something great in store for my kids and for me.. I am excited to see what You do next..

Finally free, taking care of me, trusting Him and resting in His promises.. Thank You Jesus.