God's Promises

Another one from the drafts of 2015. Another open honest and raw look at my life..

My life began to go through several changes in 2005..  I know as a Christian and human I stood on a slippery slope and I believe I even slid down it.. I hit rock bottom in many areas and for a time wasn't sure God would ever love me, talk to me, bless me or forgive me.. I was done with my marriage.. I know that sounds harsh and terrible, but after 11 years of hell I just could not stand to be there any longer.. I had filed for divorce back in 1996 and stayed because I didn't believe divorce was right or the answer.. Things got worse in many ways.. I was content to stay in the marriage because I had 5 kids and was able to stay at home with them... I was controlled, verbally abused on a regular basis, emotionally abused and lied about.. People looked at me and thought I had it all and by all outside appearances I did.. But what went on behind closed doors told a different story.. I believe that a major part of the problem was he was not a believer.. He got mad because I was so involved in Church and I took the kids to Sunday School and Church and also asked him to babysit when I had some other Church things to do.. He was irritated that I was involved and he believed that I needed to be home cooking for him when he was hungry, taking care of the kids and taking care of his "needs".. Now I took care of my kids, I made sure they had their needs and most of their wants, they were fed, clothed and I supported them in all their activities which is more than I can say for him.. My purpose of this post is not to bash him but to put the truth out there. I was lied about and people thought I was a terrible person who spent all his money and did not pay the bills.. Funny thing is I was given $75 to $100 a week to buy diapers, groceries, gas for my car and whatever else the kids needed.. This was out of his $600-1000 paychecks a week.. Where did the rest of his money go? I have no idea but you see after our divorce he was in the same situation and still had no money and etc so people began to see that all of the excuses and things were not actually my fault.. I almost felt liberated, however my kids dealt with him talking so bad about me and saying I took all his money and etc.. I sat back and waited because I knew that they were getting old enough to see and know things were not like he portrayed them.. They finally saw it and he slowly walked out of their lives and only shows up if he thinks it will make he or his wife look like parents of the year which is NEVER.. OK well that is the background and then some...

So in 2005 I became good friends with some people in town who's kids always hung out with my kids.. They were having a rough time as well and to be honest with you I never expected anything to come about.. I found out that although they had kids together she had been married to another man all these years and would not get divorced.. The man was a truck driver who was gone almost all the time.. He did his best to provide for his kids and take care of them.. They both had different parenting styles and so it sometimes got crazy.. Anyway I was already done with my marriage but couldn't get out right then.. He and I became good friends and I promise that was it.. We talked and talked.. I have always had more guy friends than girl friends. Anyway we took the kids to the park we hung out and we talked.. When he was finally able to get his kids out of the situation they were in he called me and we talked and I just tried to be a good friend.. The day his son was killed I got a job at wal mart. I had decided to get a job to be able to support the kids and I when I was able to leave.. I met him at the hospital and took care of the other 3 kids while being badgered by people for his kids mom who were trying to prove how bad of a person he was. I told him to try to make it work with her after the accident if that would make him happy.. He tried it but she would not get divorced and wanted him to make changes but she wasn't willing to make any.. We talked together and prayed together..

The kids dad and I were still in the same house but not really together.. I started working 3 or 4-11 at Wal-Mart and my friend came to see me and we spent time talking on break and after work and yes things progressed and that was wrong so very wrong.. I know that, however I had never felt so in love, wanted and needed.. I had never felt that with my husband.. I didn't even want to get married but yet I did and I stayed in that hell for almost 13 years.. My friend and I would stop and pray together each night before we went home.. In early 2006 along Highway C I truly felt God telling me he was the one that it might take some time but that he was the one.. I kinda brushed it off and wasn't sure that I was truly hearing from God.. I asked God for confirmation and I was given it and have been more than once.. After this night on the highway I decided to try to make it work with my kids dad because I thought it would be the best and divorce was wrong.. I knew and had known for years he had been talking on and off to another woman and that he was doing something with all his money and that he treated me like his slave but I wanted my kids to have a family.. Needless to say things got worse with him and I finally had him removed from the house and he filed for divorce.. I tried to steer clear from my friend just to make sure I was doing things right.. I had fallen madly deeply in love with him and our ability to communicate and be there for each other.. My divorce was final and I was trying to move on with life and take care of the kids and I .. Many things happened and changed and my friend and I got together. But I believe satan wiggled his way in and it wasn't our time.. I still had confirmation that he was the one, but he chose to walk away.. Will he ever walk back in to stay? That's up to him and whether he lets God be the one to lead him in life.. All I can do is pray for him and that God gets ahold of him and does a great work in his life.. ..